Moving To Silence

Five. After Friendships Formed

The kinship I feel with the group bloomed without my control; it leaves me with a sense of familiarity whenever I leave after spending more time with them. It might be a new group, of new people but the remind me of the good parts of freshman year before it all fell apart.

Those thoughts and feelings alone had me itching to avoid them and never dare interact with them ever again, but Kath gently reminded me that friendships and memories are important. I must allow myself to grow into goodness, or I will be trapped in bad soil forever.

Condemning and punishing them for the actions of other people is never constructive nor fair, when all I am presented with is kindness. Disregarding that to pursue more loneliness and solitude when I know it is damaging to my mental health, is a vicious cycle I am supposed to be breaking.

Kindness is not a prelude to pain. At least not always.

Getting to a better place is hard, not letting my anxiety destroy my progress is like fighting an uphill battle, it has taken such a long time. Kath would say I need to give myself grace because coming back from wanting to kill myself is a milestone in itself.

The University of Arizona has so far been everything I had needed it to be, I know my optimism is half-hearted and premature, but the good feelings mix with the bad. I have to hold on while I can, to remind myself they are real.

Sutton convinced me to meet her in the auditorium because as a fellow Music Major, I was somehow recruited into being her Guinea pig for the three audition songs she has trapped between. How my piano skills translate to singing expert I am not sure, but I am saying yes to new friendships this year.

"Bigger than your old school?" She asks, eyes flickering from where I sit taking it all in, back to her phone as I type away.

"You have no idea!"

"That's one of the reasons I am desperate for the part I deserve, the opportunity to perform here would be a dream come true. Don't tell anyone but it is also half the appeal, but mostly it's the vision of standing centre stage and proving myself!"

"Show me what you've got!"

Considering a sever lack in social standing and understanding, I rely mostly on years of music classes to carry myself through her performance. The way she closes her eyes and throws herself into the very core of her music, makes me long for my own voice for the first time in years.

The times when I used to stand on my bed, hairbrush in hand and belt the lyrics like the whole world was watching.

How am I supposed to produce constructive criticism, when absolute beauty flows from her mouth with every note and fills the empty hall with life.

She's out of breath when she jumps down from the stage, her purple hair splayed over her shoulder and cheeks flushed pink. Blue eyes full of hope and curiosity, that I feel like I hold in the palm of my hand.

"Beautiful. You were stunning!!!"

I hope my excitement and love was conveyed accurately through the exclamations points, because I am truly thrilled for her.

"You think so?" She grins, rocking back on the balls of her feet before linking her arm in mine and leading us out the hall. My mind is buzzing, she is practically skipping us out the building.

There's a strange part of her that reminds me of Amalie, and I love her dearly, so I find no hardship in following Sutton's verbal spewage. Having someone to talk to about something she loves so dearly makes the glow around her increase tenfold, the way she lights up at my praise pulls my heart strings.