Moving To Silence

Six. After Tutoring

You can understand that after last night's embarrassing panic attack, why I would have been under the impression that I had hit maximum capacity. My emotions were just done for a couple of days while my brain recouped.

I was wrong, so wrong, once again.

Nothing bad actually happened, it was more so a new realisation, that the awkward silence Sutton always avoided by talking in the car constantly. Was not something that Storm had adopted.

It made me realise how depressing my chosen lifestyle can be, there's only so many times that the driver can fill in the nonsensical chatter. I know Storm was trying to help me relax, but he isn't as talkative as the other's and therefor didn't have a plethora of topics to dive into.

My professors voice is barely audible over the loud chatter in my head. It's not a good thing to be in your melody class and barely have slept.

It feels like I am staring out of someone else's eyes since the moment I opened my eyes this morning, like I am me and watching myself at once. Like my brain and body are working on two different wave lengths, while my anxiety jumps through them both.

Kath's advice this morning in out brief chat, was focused on the fact that today marks a month of in person school attendance. It all went so much faster than I thought it would, she kept assuring me that it only feels that way because I was enjoying myself for once.

I might whole heartedly disagree with her, but hearing Kath tell me that my panic attack was nothing to be ashamed of. That it was mostly a biproduct of me acclimating to a normal social life again, made me feel better than I would first admit.

Our short chat was mostly filled with the lengthy speech she gives me about how important people in my life are, and that maintaining these new relationships is fundamental for recovery. I think she is especially happy that four of them are men.

Most of the time I find her rants endearing, but the truth is I was in no state of mind to be taking anything she was saying with much levity. All I know, is that it feels like I am finally starting to wake up, and despite mental resistance I know I don't want to be the same person that I have been.

Being scared all the time is so exhausting.

The new name and life was meant to mean freedom and new beginnings, the journey out here and back into the world was supposed to confirm all of that. I never expected it to make me feel like I am going backwards more than forwards, I never expected to let myself be surrounded by people that remind me so vividly of the friends from before.

Kath and Amalie are telling me that I can do it, I just have to keep pushing, that they have faith in my ability to become the person I am dying to be. I know I don't want to deny them, or myself, but progress feels like claws deep in my skin.

"I swear, I am not stalking you!" Storm's voice startles me as I descend the stairs outside the Art block, my hand flies to my chest as my head whips towards his voice.

Leaning against the railing of the steps below, I can't help but admit he looks hot, and my heart stutters a little at the image of his glasses pushed back into his dark hair. As long as I don't have to admit this to anyone but Amalie, then it will all be okay.

"That is exactly what a stalker would do, hide in plain sight waiting to strike or even... befriend"

"I love when you psycho-analyse me, it's cute" He winks.

"I am analysing a stalker, which you are not"

"That is an amazing point, and luckily for me your psychology knowledge is already out in the open... which makes it the perfect time to ask a favour"