Hush, Little Penguin

Missing Means More

Peso rolled over on his bed. He'd been having these same dreams over and over.

It wasn't night time, mind you. It was the middle of the afternoon and quite sunny, but every little boy had to take his nap, especially when they went through such mental exhaustion as Peso everyday.

This was the reason he was up. The Thoughts, The Feelings and The Voices were getting at him again. Oh, how he wished they would leave him in peace, how he wished they would stop interfering, inconveniencing, ruining his chance at a normal life.

Well, for Peso...these voices inside were his normal life...

He just wished they would go away. He wanted to be happy, be himself, be normal. But he knew he couldn't have everything, and something, something out there, was bound and determined to make sure he was never truly happy.

That thought drove Peso nuts most of all, because it seemed to open a whole new can of worms. So he tried to avoid it, even though Dr Galen said honoring what was inside would help let it out.

And today, these thoughts surrounded a certain other young penguin, who was, unlike Peso, it seemed, growing up.

Pinto was turning six soon. Peso was surprised that the Octonauts had actually offered to take him to celebrate. Peso knew he couldn't be there for everything, being an Octonaut and having to travel all the time and help new creatures. It was times like these that he knew he might have to miss out on events in Pinto's life, and he wasn't sure the younger penguin would understand.

It scared him to think he might somehow lose Pinto too...

He'd been dreaming lately, of a future where he was still deployed at sea and still missing out on his little brother's life. He knew if he hadn't gone with the Octonauts, he might still be living this awful eternal pain. But he also knew he was going to miss his family terribly, both physically and emotionally.

Peso sighed and turned over again, hugging the blankets close. He knew he could try all he wanted, try so hard to think of calm things, of the happiness that surrounded him, of the simple blessing of these comfy sheets ad pillows, but the thoughts would keep coming back...

Pinto was growing up. And even though Peso wrote to him practically everyday, coming to see him whenever he could, taking every opportunity to be there for Pinto in the missing link of a father and sister, Peso couldn't help but feel selfish somehow, like being away could hurt Pinto badly someday and his feelings about the Octonauts would get in the way. And that was when he started worrying if he made the right choice trusting him.

The Thoughts always spiraled out of control until Peso was exhausted, and even then they wouldn't quit. What did they want from him?!

He already felt tired but he couldn't sleep. He knew he'd just dream of a future where Pinto was hurting in his absence...what was even scarier was when he dreamed of a future where Pinto had moved on, let him go, forgotten about him. And Peso loved the fact that, in a world that seemed to hate him, there was someone who loved him unconditionally like any other child, someone who looked up to him and thought he was a hero. And then Peso would feel selfish for worrying tat those feelings would go away...was he selfish for worrying about the loss of love, or the loss of admiration?

He needed a drink.

Despite what the Octonauts thought, peso could get out of his crib just fine on his own. The problem was the drop. The diapers did terrible things to his balance, and he usually fell hard on them, at least not his head.

He flopped to the floor, landing on his soft belly on the softer padding, grateful for the baby proofed nursery floors. Then he pushed himself to his feet and moved toward the door.