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AYOLUWA PACED BACK AND FORTH in her kitchen, a cup of tea in her hand.
Every time the house settled and creaked, Ayoluwa would jump just a little, scared that it was Joshua coming down the stairs.
She knew Joshua well enough that when he finally did come downstairs, he would only be willing to talk about what had happened last night between them and nothing else.
Ayoluwa really needed to stop letting her pregnancy hormones control her every move.
The sun peaked through the open screen door in the back of the house and Ayoluwa could see Firefly running around in the backyard.
The sound of feet against the wooden staircase made Ayoluwa turn around so fast that most of her tea flew out of her mug and onto her white painted toes.
The hot liquid's impact caused Ayoluwa to yelp and then drop her mug to the floor.
The broken shards spread around the floor and Ayoluwa looked down at the tea and the ceramic pieces and sighed, "Ah, shit."
"Are you okay?" Joshua's voice sounded behind her, "What happened?"
"I dropped my tea. You scared me." Ayoluwa tucked a few locs behind her left ear as she avoided his gaze and stepped carefully out of the area.
"Oh. My bad." Joshua replied and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "So, uh... About last night..."
And there it was.
Ayoluwa sighed as she went to retrieve her broom and dustpan from the laundry room, "Uh, what about it?"
Joshua scoffed a little as Ayoluwa came back into the room, "Well, we have some things to talk about now, don't we?"
Ayoluwa put on some slippers and then began to sweep the broken mug into the silver dustpan, "Um, I don't think so. It's not like we haven't had sex before," She gestured to her expanding waistline, "Obviously."
"Yeah, but Palmer..." Joshua shook his head, "We can't pretend to go back to what we were doing before. I can't."
"Yes, you can. You just don't want to." Ayoluwa countered as she walked to the trash can.
"Can you just look at me?" Joshua's hand gently gripped Ayoluwa's shoulder to force her to swing around.
Ayoluwa gazed up into his eyes and then sighed, pushing her hair back, "Look, Josh, um."
She rubbed her hands together for a second, "I... Last night I don't know what I was thinking. We shouldn't have done anything. It was a mi-."
Her tongue stopped on the word 'mistake', noting how pained Joshua's expression was becoming.
"A mistake? Wow." Joshua scoffed.
"No," Ayoluwa immediately said, "I just don't want you to think that was us getting back together or anything."
"So... What was I then? A sneaky link? A booty call?" Joshua asked.
"Don't do that." Ayoluwa rubbed her forehead, a little flustered.
"Then what? Like what am I supposed to think after last night? You call me over late and then-."
"I know!" Ayoluwa interrupted him, "I know Josh! I called you over that late because that's when I had just gotten home from work. And then you showed up, talking about the past and saying how much you loved me and I..."
Ayoluwa sighed and then rubbed her forehead once more, "I'm not sure about anything right now."
Joshua chucked, a dry sound with no humor, "I gotta say, you really know how to play a guy, Palmer."
Ayoluwa raised a brow at his statement, "And what do you mean by that?"
"You've been wasting my time, letting me think that we were gonna get back together when you're not sure." Joshua sat down on the steps and began to pull his shoes and socks back on.
Ayoluwa balled her tongue in her cheek at his words, "The dinner dates and the flirting and the agreeing with me on everything has been nice but it still doesn't change how you treated me."
Joshua let out a little groan at that and then stood up, "How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry!"
"I heard you but it's still gonna take me some time. There isn't a timeline to healing, you know?"
Joshua was quiet as he looked at her then shook his head, "What more do I have to do to prove myself?"
"That's the thing," Ayoluwa walked to the back door and opened it to let her pet back into the house, "It's not up to you. It's me."
Joshua let out a huge unhappy sigh and Ayoluwa gave him an unbelieving stare as she closed the back door.
"Do you... Do you not understand how you hurt me?" Ayoluwa began in a slow tone, "The nights of crying and throwing up? The disrespect over simple shit?"
Joshua blinked but didn't verbally respond.
"I was home wondering what the fuck did I do to make the guy I love not love me back for weeks on end! You don't get to rush how quick I forgive you. Shit, I might choose not to forgive you at all!" Ayoluwa blurted.
Joshua was quiet for a moment and it made Ayoluwa wonder if she had gone too far.
"I... I'm trying to understand. I know you don't think I am but I love you and I'm trying to understand but..." Joshua shook his head, "I came into this thinking that eventually we would get back together but I can only apologize so many times, Palmer."
Ayoluwa bit down on her bottom lip for a second, "So what are you saying?"
Joshua blew out a breath, "I'm saying maybe you should move back to Los Angeles. You were saying that there's nothing here for you anymore and I'm starting to feel the same way."
Ayoluwa was quiet, "Josh, I-."
"You don't have to say anything, Palmer." Joshua's smile was faint and his tone sad as he made his way to the front door, "I'll see you when I see you or at the due date, whichever comes first."
Ayoluwa wasn't given a chance to retort before the door opened and shut.
Ayoluwa stumbled back onto the staircase and then sat down, her eyes a little blurry from tears.
She had spoken her truth but she couldn't help the imprint that Joshua's helpless tone had left on her.
The last thing that Ayoluwa wanted to do was hurt Joshua back but that was exactly what she had done.
