Elegance with Expense

48. Royal Flush

'You forgive me?' Santiano clearly was not ready for what he heard and had no shame with showing it. I guess he wasn't in the right headspace to cover up his raw reactions.

'Everyone deserves a second chance; you weren't necessarily put in the best position to make the best decisions. I understand where the choices came from, and after hearing what you had to say, I see that you put your family first and I respect that. I'm sorry I left so soon.'

Forgiveness was all that he wanted. It was all they wanted, and I had only spoken to Santiano so far. I knew that I hadn't had much time with the grandfather and uncles, but I needed a fresh start, and the New Year was the perfect time to make it happen. I just hope that they wouldn't take advantage of my thoughtfulness.

I pulled Uncle Sergio to the side when I saw that he had finished his conversation with Matteo's father.

'Are you alright?' He was concerned at first, because I had never actually spoken to him with a reasonable intention, it was never a willing approach.

'I'm fine, I just wanted to talk.'

'Is this setting alright, or would you prefer to go outside?' He was taking every measure possible and I appreciated it, but this extent wasn't necessary.

'I just wanted to say that you're merely forgiven. I don't want to carry a grudge that doesn't need to be lugged around.' I spoke.

He looked surprised, as though he didn't expect to hear this from me. He looked like he wanted to say a lot, maybe try to get me to explain further, but what came out of his mouth surprised me. His straightforwardness was a gift, and I was glad that he didn't waste both of our time by requesting me to explain the reasoning behind my decision.

'You had no safety, it's simply unforgivable.' 

'The actions weren't intentional. I noticed how you found your mistakes, I'm not sure if you will learn from them, but forgiveness is definitely a step into the right direction. I just hope that you will forgive yourself.' I explained.

As though he had been offered the greatest thing in the world, he looked deeply into me. Was he trying to sense some sort of untruthfulness, was this so unbelievable? 

'You are too good for this world.' He shook his head, almost as if he was disappointed with himself. 'Too good.' He repeated.

Forgiveness comes in three stages for me, though the second is perhaps closer to the notion of redemption.

The first is a forgiveness so complete that no bitterness remains, it frees the person wronged and has little to do with the one who erred.

For the second stage the wrong doer must understand what they did, be truly sorry and take steps to make amends, steps to ensure they don't repeat the negative action. If they do that then the second phase of forgiveness can happen, the phase when the relationship and love is restored to what it could have been, or perhaps to something deeper.

It's only after this redemptive phase that it is appropriate for the wrong doer to forgive themselves (this is the third phase) any time before that and the opportunity for personal growth is lost.

I understood that forgiving yourself for something so tragic is near to impossible. I have never been able to do it easily, so I don't know why I found it so easy to ask them for it. If they found it to be unfeasible I would forgive them, freeing them from the guilt.

I searched the room for my grandfather, but didn't find him inside; of course I wouldn't when he was on the balcony.

Everyone here seems to take pleasure in smoking, he was only proving my point when I saw the cloud of tinted whiteness coming from the front of his mouth. I wasn't able to see his face since he was facing the direction of the beach, but I could even smell the fresh scent of tobacco. I found relief in what was lingering in the air, but I didn't make it too long until I got closer.