THE JOCK JUST WANTS THE NERD [2]

89

||JACKSON||

Four days, since I've last heard of Ethan. I've been feeling lonely and my chest had never felt so disheveled. What only was a few crippling days felt like a eternity of depression. Despite everyone telling me it'll be alright, It was though I had hit the lowest point of my life. Even though everyone tries their best to put me in a good mood...

I just can't get over this.

Is this what it's like to be hopeless?

The person who I loved so much, I can't even hear, touch, nor see?

Physical pain couldn't comprehend the sensation mentally. It's remarkable how one's emotions in the heart and convert to excruciating pang and overwhelm your entire body.

Whenever I had the chance to be alone, I would continue to grieve even though Ethan's dead or not, yet tears would pour nonetheless. My brain, becoming crazy, has even reached the point of insanity; occasionally projecting a mirage and illusions of him, trying to numb the pain by faking an image of Ethan by my side.

How sad.

It's been an entire perpetual afternoon. My body has just been spiraling in confusion and tinge of hurting itself. At some point, my mind had been in such a dark place. "What's the point?" Words would pop into my head.

"Ethan is all that I had..." echoing thoughts corrupted.

Contemplating, it made me think how Ethan is indeed what kept me truly happy and going.

How tragic would it be if the words, "I love you," were the last things he heard from me. My flashback reverted back to when Kyomi had talked to me in the karaoke bar, insisting to love him with everything the moment I see his face. Oh how I would shove everything aside just to clutch him once more

-

I was hunched over the desk in our dorm room, writing aimlessly on my journal. It has been a hot minute that I've returned to this book. Ever since I began hanging with Ethan more frequently, I had stopped because he was what helped me cope with a lot of things. Yet, here I am scribbling down my pent-up feelings due to his negligence. I had the whole dorm all to myself, Damian is out doing classes, either that or doing his job.

Staring at my sentences, each word expresses what I've been through this week. I tried a different method to vent by talking to Kyle; though I realized that I had spilled information about my sexuality without even realinzing or coming out properly. But as per usual, he already knew, of course he did. Apparently, Kenny solidified his conspiracy because he had told him nonchalantly at some point. Seems like this generation "really is" a lot more open-minded than I thought yet I used to worry a lot.

During my silent activity, my phone aside rang, disturbing. Grunting, I didn't bother to check, ignored, and pushed it further away to focus on my notepad. But they seem rather persistent. Sneering, I picked it up and glanced at the phone number, "unknown," with a series of its random digits. Scoffing, I optioned with declining it immediately and went back.

Ring.

I let out a groan of annoyance and gave up. Accepting it, "who is this?" I asked.

There was a moment of silence between us.

For a second, I was about to cut it off, thinking it was just a prank, but the from the other side spoke, "Jackson," he murmured.

Oddly, the voice sounded familiar so I cooperated, "uhh, yeah?"

"It's Ethan's Dad..."

-

Huffing, I instantly rushed out of the dorms while making sure the door was locked in the process. Upon exiting the facility, no time was wasted to dash through the parking lot, dodging cars and other people on he way.

Igniting the engine, this was all deja vu again. The car raced along with my pounding heart, wheels turned and breathing paced; rushing back to the hospital with the same adrenaline, "no way, no way..." I muttered silently. Vision spiraled, tunneled, all sorts of acrobatics. Gripping the wheel, I vigorously shook my head to clear my view.

"Ethan... Ethan..."

-

When I arrived, I remained stuck on my seat.

Why am I nervous? Petrified at spot. Is it because this place holds the feeling of sickness and death? Though, I shouldn't think like that.

Taking a step out on the hard pavement, I made my way to the entrance that slid open.

Upon me what looked like a hallucination of a figure that waited on a wheelchair with a faint expression and his father alongside. It was only a short period of time but felt longer than what I could handle. I wobbled, forward by forward as he did the same to close the gap. Once close together, I knelt in front, my hand reaching out to hold his cheek, "a-are you real?..." lip quivered. As mentioned, I always had nightmares and projections of him that tormented, only for me to wake back to the real world and for him to disappear. But now? He did the same to feel mine and his smile grew.

"I'm here..." Ethan spoke so softly

He's here... finally here.