𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔪𝔬𝔫'𝔰 𝔇𝔬𝔩𝔩

Part 21

"[...] You're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for."

- Richard Siken

It had been three days since Kate and Fyodor left America and returned to Russia. Kate spent this time mostly in her room. Kate needed this time to herself, she had just been on display for the entire Western civilization once again after not making any public appearances in over a year. Fyodor was more than happy to give her the space she really needed. He knew how much it meant to her to be able to be alone.

Because Kate had been undercover in the guild for the American Government, she was constantly separated from her family and therefore wasn't focused on by news outlets. Fitzgerald also kept her out of the spotlight because he knew how bothersome the press might be in his plans of finding the book. Kate was given some momentary peace during that time, and she cherished it. However, now she was back into the spotlight where she would most likely remain for the next month or so. Her public outings such as this basically served to remind the media that Kate Chopin was alive and needed to be followed for a month until they remembered just how boring it actually was reporting on her.

Kate left her room only for meals during these three days. Ivan offered to bring them to her room but she refused, stating that it was a lady's duty to attend her host's meals. Kate had politely asked Fyodor for book recommendations, to which he quickly provided his favourite book, The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. She was intrigued to read it knowing that since Fyodor recommended it, it would most likely give her immense insight into how his mind worked. Truthfully, it did; Kate might not have realised what help it truly was to read this book. Perhaps even if she did realise, she didn't know what to do with this information.

Man is flawed. But the question is are they more flawed than they realise or less? Fyodor was a pessimist so therefore he believed humanity was more flawed. Kate, unsure of her stance on pessimism and optimism, believed humanity to be worse. In fact, Nikolai, Ivan, Kate, and Fyodor all believed the same; that humanity was far worse than they truly realised. They always believed themselves to be higher and mightier than they actually are; as though their actions truly affected the world around them. What a laughable belief. If that were true, why have individual evils not caused more damage and harm? Why have individual goods and righteousness not caused more light? It's the actions of the individual that mean nothing, they are nothing more than opportunities to make oneself feel better. The actions of groups, people with shared values and beliefs, are the ones that actually affect the world around them.

For Kate's entire life, she had never been a part of a group with shared values and beliefs. She had never felt herself to be of importance enough to even come up with beliefs. What's the point, she thought.

Kate spent her break without thinking of any missions, which she regretted the second that she returned to reality. She would have to check in with both Fitzgerald and Whitman. She had been playing hooky for far too long, now it was time to actually return to her responsibilities. First, she decided to check in with Walt Whitman. She would go on a walk to do this, she couldn't risk Fyodor or Ivan overhearing her. Since she couldn't return to America just yet either, the walk was her only option.

She knocked before even attempting to enter Fyodor's study. She valued his privacy because it was polite and she expected the same treatment towards her should the occasion call for it. He called for her to enter and only then did she.

"Kate, how have you been?" He stood quickly upon realising it was her.

He had been worried about her. For days she hadn't spoken to either him or Ivan, she had lost her manners momentarily. That was what had worried him the most, her loss of manners. Kate Chopin was a woman who always prioritised her appearance and manners over her own well-being. For those manners to be gone meant she truly must have been hurting.