Sorry | Murphamy AU | vol.1

4. Broken noses and butterflies

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Song: FOOLS

Artist: Troye Sivan

Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this, the differences and impulses and your obsession with the little things

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Murphy's P.O.V.

I don't really understand why Bellamy's trying to clean his room. I'm just here for my book. I glance at the bed which has sheets pouring over the sides, more on the floor than on the bed.

"You must be a pretty rough sleeper," I remark, letting my weight rest on the doorframe. He quickly looks over his shoulder, seeing my remark and blushing. He laughs nervously, shrugging and grabbing my book from the nightstand. The son of a bitch probably went through it. I tense, taking it from him with gratitude.

"Thanks." I mumble. He better not ask me anything about my drawings.

He rubs the back of his neck, leaving his hand there for what seems like an infinite amount of time. Silence has never been more painful. I open my mouth to break it, when-

"I-If you weren't doing anything today, I was wondering if you'd want to hang out?" his cheeks are tanned, but I can still see the red. It's cute, that he's flustered. I just hope that I'm not showing that I'm blushing too. My stomach knots quickly as I nod, containing an odd excitement.

"Yeah sure, have anything in mind?" screw him if he thinks I'm coming up with something to do. With my words, his demeanour changes. He relaxes as he takes a few steps towards his desk chair. He lets out a sighs as he sits down. He looks me up and down- why is he doing that? I try to subtly cross my arms, probably just in attempt to hide how vulnerable I feel. He tilts his head to the side and the lips that were on mine a few hours ago curl into a smirk.

"I want to get to know you," that will never fucking happen.

"You don't want to do that." I warn, adding a light laugh at the end. It was more of a nervous one to be completely honest.

He raises an eyebrow before standing back up. Him sitting down proves to be useless as he walks back to his place in front of me.

"Oh?" he voices. What the hell is he trying to do? I bite down on my molars before sighing.

"Trust me on this one, let's just go rob a bank or something." I suggest, trying my best to change the tension. He doesn't even give me an odd look for the illegal suggestion. If anything, he looks more determined.

"But I don't trust you, so forgive me if I don't believe you." I groan, brushing past him ad taking the liberty of entering his room. He's giving me determination. He's giving me the most I've ever gotten from anyone, and I like him. I can actually stand his presence and I won't ruin it, by letting him know me.

"You don't get it," I mumble, fumbling with my fingernails. "I'm not someone you want to get to know on a," Pause. "Personal level. I'm not that quiet, shy guy who's actually really cool once you get to know him. I'm fucked, and not in the cute way." he deserves an explanation at least.

"So?" I look at him like he's an idiot. "I don't really care, I mean- look at my friends, you think they're cool?" he asks and my look doesn't change.

"I know they're not. They're assholes- oh and next time you see Mbege, mind telling him to fuck off?" I ask, and he raises a curious eyebrow. "You and Atom stopped bullying me, Mbege still..." I trail under my breath. Being called a loser, lame and weird isn't hurtful. I couldn't care less about words like that because they're empty. Mbege uses better weapons. Things like, "the world's better off without you," or "is your mom free tonight?" are things that hurt just a little bit more. That lump in my throat grows, but I swallow it, vowing not to cry. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me break again. "And now, hearing you say that you want to 'learn more about me' makes me even angrier beca-" if I had any dignity, and if I were smart, I wouldn't let Bellamy kiss me. I'd pull away and go home, but I'm not smart and I hate myself, so I let him kiss me. I would like to push him away, and think that I deserve better, but I don't. I deserve to be used, so I kiss him.