Sorry | Murphamy AU | vol.1

Ch. 71 - Metal Tracks

It was pitch black when I felt it, when I felt the change. Something had happened to you.

It took me a few moments to understand what I was feeling. Was it that you had fallen in love with somebody else? No, that doesn't make much sense, as you hated most people. This is different and I instantly tensed in fear at what I thought it might be.

I made my way down the stairs, which I'd traveled a thousand times, this one being the most painful. I was greeted with a solemn scene. Your father stood there, watching my mother cry into my father's arms in a fit. I had assumed Octavia hadn't woken up yet. He, with tears as well, noticed me and as I walked over, his lower lip began to quiver. Where were you?

He'd told me what had happen to you. He'd told me how the train didn't see you sitting there on the metal tracks. Your father told me that you had been very angry. What set you off is still a mystery to me. Apparently, you had come home from a walk, furious, looking for an outlet. When he suggested coming to me, you got mad and ran out of the house. Why didn't you leave a note?

It wasn't until he'd seen the news came on that he'd understood what had happened to you. According to a passing stranger, you were walking along the side of the tracks, as if waiting for the zooming convoy. The stranger had tried to warn you, but it was too late. Once the train had come to a complete halt, they could barely even tell it was you. The only way the cops knew was because of the silver bands you wore so proudly on your finger. Why didn't you leave a note?

I didn't even cry.

It was a week before I understood. Everyone wondered why I was acting so normal. I still laughed during television shows, I went to school acting like normal, I would eat dinner and have normal conversations with my parents and sister, though they were anticipating it. What you might ask? The realization. The realization the Murphy wasn't coming back. Like I said, it was a week before I'd come to terms with his absence. I was in my room one day, doing my art homework when I groaned out loud. "Murphy, can you shade this, I can't do shit." I laughed looking at the apple I'd tried so hard to make look real. When I didn't get an answer, I turned around to look at my bed where he'd would normal do your work. "Murphy?" I called, and that's when it hit.

Everything in me lurched and my pencil fell out of my hand. I blinked a few times, not knowing what to do. He's gone, dead, not here. I covered my hand over my mouth as the tears welled in my eyes.

My lover, my best friend, my fiancée was gone. I remember very little about that night, I just remember a lot of crying to my mom and crying with Octavia who had lost her best friend too.

You had told me, early on that you were toxic to me and how your presence would only ruin me but you were very wrong. You weren't toxic to me, you were toxic to yourself and as much as I had tried, I just couldn't save you.

During our last encounter, when leaving you had accidentally nudged me after putting on your shoes. Smiling, you chuckled a small "Sorry..." You were always so apologetic. You gave me a soft kiss that could have stopped time and you made your way home, not knowing that that would be the last kiss, the last word, the last vision I'd see of you. Why didn't you leave a note?

That was five years ago today and on the occasions that I think of you, I feel a slight pang of regret for not having done more. I felt, deep down inside that if I had tried a bit harder, if I had loved you a bit more, maybe you'd still be here but soon after your death I had arrived at the realization that you are still here.

I like to think about that year. That one, short year, that year where I'd experienced love for the first and only time. You'd stolen my heart and I still don't know where to find it on the occasional days that I try to find it. When walking around my apartment, I sometimes think I see you but it's never real. I still sleep on my side of the bed, hoping to wake up to you in the morning, yet that's never the case. You always were so unpredictable and I guess that's why I love you so much. Yes, I still love you and I will until the day I die. Why didn't you leave a note?

After work, I'd still go on Tumblr and I'd still wince, seeing that picture of us, that picture of our somewhat new relationship. We'd been bored that day and I remember suggesting a picnic and loving the look on your face at the idea. You hated cheesy things, yet you still loved me. If you loved me, why didn't you leave a note?

I've tried to move on. I've had three boyfriends and one girlfriend. None lasted more than three months. I'd end up breaking it off because I couldn't. That feeling of you still lingers in me and yes I know that you'd want me to be happy and find someone who'd give me what I want. You used to tell me that all the time, but you were the one. You were always the one that I needed. You are still the one. The one who made me feel and experience emotions, the one who gave me all that I needed. Why the hell didn't you leave a note?

You are still with me, maybe not physically but I feel you. I know that you're here and that's why when I see you this many years later, I'm not as surprised as I should be.

*******

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of Sorry... I hope you enjoyed it, I had so much fun and THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the votes and the lovely comments, they mean the world and I couldn't have asked for a better audience. 

The sequel is up it's titled : Wildfire

Please share this story, comment and vote, check out my other fanfics, follow my IG: johnmxruphy and all that good stuff and as always...

I love you lots! Xx -Mvrphamy