Sorry | Murphamy AU | vol.1

14. Hold on tighter for a better kiss

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Song: What Is Love

Artist: Jaymes Young

I don't know why you're not there? I give you my love, but you don't care

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Bellamy P.o.v.

I have had four girlfriends in the past. Breaking up with them left me feeling free. I've had one boyfriend, who I actually really do love and him ending it with me makes me feel trapped. I thought maybe giving him space was a good idea, but clearly I was wrong. Two weeks wasted. I heard through people that he was back at school last week. I want to tell him that while he was gone, the police gave up the search for Mbege. His parents called our house and we had a sob fest- well, I didn't cry. I just sat there and watched as our families shed tears. Mom and Andrea (Mbege's mom) are pretty good friends. I wonder how long that'll last without Mbege around.

***

I almost drop my phone when someone walks into me.

"Shit," he mumbles and I break my gaze from the screen, looking up. Crap. I look up, remembering that I'm at the hospital as he brushes past me. I turn around. He hates hospitals.

"Wait, are you okay?" I call and he turns around, not really giving me much emotion. I can see that wall I broke in him rebuilding itself. I hate it. He nods.

"My nose keeps bleeding, so my foster-mom wanted me to get it check out." he shrugs, looking down. Mom walks out of the hospital, her face excited when she sees Murphy. Fuck. She drops her bag, pulling him into a hug that shocks him. I guess he forgot that she's a nurse.

"Murphy dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother," she says to him and he glares over her shoulder at me. He throws imaginary knives with his eyes. Mom will chop off my head if she hears about what I did to Murphy. She's been talking about how thankful I should be to him after everything he's done for me. I hate to admit it, but she's right. He let me live with him for almost an entire month.

"Oh, uh, thanks." he says.

Murphy P.o.v.

I take it that Bellamy didn't mention our breakup to his mother? I pull away and she looks at me with so much pity it makes me sick.

"You should come for dinner- it's been ages since we've last seen you," his mother offers and my heartbeat doubles in anxiety. No, nope nope nope. Fucking no way.

"Yeah," I turn to Bellamy, glaring at him. Is he serious? His face looks menacing. He looks like he's doing this to get back at me. But what the hell did I ever do?

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude." I say, trying to weasel my way out of it. Bellamy smiles. He gets his looks from his mom. Absolutely and unsettlingly gorgeous.

"Don't be ridiculous," Bellamy says, his mother agreeing. Oh dear God.

***

I yank Bellamy up the stairs, closing his door behind us. I haven't been here in so long. He's laughing.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I hiss, trying not to be any louder than I have to be.

"You!" he exclaims and I widen my eyes at his sudden seriousness. When did this become about me?

"I beg your unbelievable pardon?" I ask, using as much hatred as I can to coat my words.

"Why can't you just fucking forgive me already? I said I was sorry! I feel bad and I feel guilty! Those feelings are new and I don't like them and I just need you to forgive me so that they can go away." he informs. Oh.

"New?" I ask, timid.

"Yeah, new. Have you not been paying attention? I'm fucking miserable. I'm never miserable. I get that you're sensitive. I get it, but I'm not and I don't usually feel this crap. I learned my lesson, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Murphy." he says. He sounds like I'm twisting my finger in a bullet wound. I feel bad for being happy that he's in so much pain because he's without me.

"You really hurt me, Bellamy." this may be unfair, but he deserves it. I'll forgive him soon. I just want to see how far I can push him.

"I know, and I don't know, what else do you want me to say?" I want him to feel it. I shrug. Being strong in front of him is so fucking hard. "If it counts for anything, I still love you." if it counts for anything? Does he know that only three people have told me that in my life? Does he know that he's one of them and that they other two are dead? "Does it count?" he asks again and I fucking hate how he breaks me. A warm tear falls from my eye but I catch it before I look pathetic. I don't answer. I just stare at his converse. They look nice on him, but then again, everything looks good on him. His foot moves and I break my gaze, pulling it up to look at him. He puts his arms around my waist. He's got some guts doing that, but he's lucky I don't shove him off of me. It feels nice. "Does it count?" he asks in desperation, but it's a little softer than before. I try to speak, but I can't.

I just nod quickly, holding onto the front of his shirt as I pull him in for a kiss. I like how tightly he holds onto me. I like how I finally feel protected and safe, even though I hate the feeling of depending on someone.

"You screwed me up," he mutters bitterly against my lips. Why? Because I made him feel? He cheated on me and I'm being more than nice, accepting his apology. If the conditions were different, I would've shut him down, but because I'm alone in the world with nothing going for me, I'll let him use me. He can have his way because I like how it feels when he tells me that I'm important. 

"I know." I conclude.

"I cried because of you." he tells me and I nod.

"I know."

"You know that I love you, right?" he asks, wrapping his arms around me tighter.

"I know." I want him to hold me tighter. I want him to tell me I'm his and I want him to prove it to me slowly I want him to show me that he needs me just as much as I need him.

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