I want you close

Chapter eighteen

Is it so wrong of me?

"Look," I said as I walked into Clyde's home-office with a large board I stayed up all night working on. "I came up with something"

"Why are you in my cubicle?" He questioned, annoyance showing in his voice. I forgot that he does not like anyone stepping in here except for himself.

"I am sorry to come into your beloved space but," I placed the board of his desk in front of him as I held it to prevent it from falling. "I have been thinking of every possible way to regain our freedom, but this plan is the only one that made sense." He opened his mouth to talk, but I stopped him by continuing, "I thought, what if we-"

"Eleanor," he started.

"No, listen to me." I interrupted, "first, the king said we can pick when is the wedding right? But he also said it can't be further than a year, and best if we have it as soon as I turn eighteen. so I was thinking we can convince him to postpone the wedding by telling them that we want it to be special to we want to wait until our love grows stronger. Because we want that day to be the best day of our lives. But what we are actually doing is, giving ourselves a longer time to come up with a way to stop this engagement completely."

"Eleanor,"

"And I am sure that when we-"

"Eleanor!" He snapped, tapping his hands harshly on the desk which made me jump in fear.

"Yes," I spoke quietly, then swallowed.

"Why do you want to call off the engagement?" He asked, "have you ever asked yourself that?" I stared at him without an answer. "What difference would it make other than not having a place to go? I know all about your mother, I know she won't let you back into her life."

He was telling nothing but the truth, but I still couldn't hold back the tear that escaped my eyes. "You do not know what you are talking about," I said, trying my best not to make my voice break.

"do you really believe that?" He asked, "I know as much as you do that your mother gave you up easily for money, am I wrong?" Tears didn't stop, it was as if my eyes didn't belong to me, I could not control them. But I stood up straight and blinked through them, listening to everything he was saying that I knew was, one hundred per cent true. "I am not trying to hurt you, but what is it you will get out of this?" He stared deep into my eyes that I felt as if he was reading every word, every emotion I had. "Is it to fall in love and live in a fairytale? Go on then, I am not stopping you," he said. "Go out there and find the love of your life, after all, I am your fiancé just by paper and word. Not by real feelings," for a brief second, I could see hurt in his beautiful green, for the first time since I first met him, there is something more than empty, unreadable eyes. But I still did not quite understand.

I stared at him in silence as he stared back, then I took a deep, shaky breath as I Sat down. "I guess I was never meant to have that," I spoke quietly as I played with my hands. "Is it so wrong of me to want to feel the love I never felt?" I lifted my head to face him, "is it so wrong that I want to love and be loved in return?"

"It is not," he murmured, so low as if he was whispering.

"do you not long for that?"

He took a moment to think, as if he does not know himself. "I guess..." He started, " I wanted that, until I did not." He said, "but maybe, I still do-" he paused,"if it's with the right person. But- what is the right person mean? Is it looks? Is it personality? Or is it a mix of both that our soul desires?"

"If I knew," I laughed at the way our life is. "If I knew, I wouldn't be right here talking to you about this matter." I breathed, staring at him thinking what did we do wrong to deserve this. "How did we end up here?"

"Well," he let out a breath. "My father picked you, we got engaged, we argued a lot and- here we are."

I chuckled. "May we find the right person I guess." He nodded as he leaned back into his chair. I shifted in my seat, " I guess I will-" I got up,"sleep, or try to sleep to be specific."

"Do you-" he spoke when I reached the door. "Maybe, want to go to my place to watch the sunrise and complain a bit?"

I let go of the doors handle and hesitated for a moment, "okay," I gave In, finding it rather a better idea than going to bed with thoughts wandering in my head that I knew won't let me sleep.