Body & Soul - Klaus Mikaelson

Thirty-Seven

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Grief seems to be a way of living. Everyday grief comes in different waves. It attacks you from different angles, at different levels, and expects you to keep fighting. It's like a test. Will you: ignore the grief and keep moving, falter, take the day to mourn, and keep going, or let it destroy your life and everything you've become.

It's the worst test I've ever taken, and yet I seem to take it more than any other test. At some point, I think we'll just go numb to grief. At some point, we'll stop starving ourselves trying to care about everyone. Because if we don't care, then there is no grief to be had. No more suffering we have to endure.

The grief for Ric doesn't seem as strong anymore. Last night, I refused to feel anything. But this morning, when I finally let myself wake, the grief hit me differently than it used to. When my parents died, it was life-ending. Nothing could compare to the pain that was stinging my body every second of every day. With Ric, this feels more like a dull throb that constantly pounds, hoping that my legs will give out. Scrapped knees are easier to bandage than a bleeding heart.

So when Caroline knocked on my door this morning with a timid smile, I couldn't say no to her desires. She forced me back up the stairs and into the shower. She picked out an outfit and gave me the liberty of high tops before she dragged me to her car and told me she had a day filled with distractions prepared.

She got a small smile out of me. She hasn't changed. I know Ric didn't mean as much to her as he did to me, but I know she was grieving too. Yet, she put on a smile, forced herself to my door, and told me I wasn't going to do the grieving alone this time. She told me she wasn't going to let me shut her out, or run across the country. 

To be honest, I hadn't thought about that yet. I haven't thought about leaving in a long time. When I came back and I decided to stay, it seemed like the right decision. There were times when I questioned it, but I never had the guts to leave again. I knew I could always get back to Hayley, but she'd hit me with some disappointed look. So I stayed, and I grieved while I went from day to day saving Elena and Mystic Falls. Ric dying hadn't reignited that spark. 

Caroline walks in front of me, her phone pressed against her ear as she leads the way through school. Distraction number one: clean up after the Decade Dance. Monotonous, but at least it'll keep me busy and if Caroline is there, I know I won't have time to think about much else. 

"What do you mean you're ditching my clean-up committee?" Caroline snaps at the phone. 

Tyler's voice comes muffled through the phone, "Klaus called. He's leaving town and wants me to pack up his house."

I almost trip at Tyler's words. Leaving town? What happened to staying in Mystic Falls until I was ready to leave? My stomach rolls at the idea of him abandoning me. I can't leave now, not with Ric just dying. I need time before I pick up everything and go. I'm not even sure going would be a good idea anymore. Everything I've ever known is here, but the more I say that the more it sounds like an excuse to leave.

Klaus promised he wasn't going to leave me here alone. As much as I wish I could run from this town and avoid all the growing grief, I can't yet. Something is keeping me here, it's like I know I need to be here a little while longer before I jump ship. So I'm still stuck here waiting for something to tell me I can leave, that I'm free from this god-forsaken town. But that sign hasn't come yet.

Caroline scoffs, "Well since when does sire bond equal mover slave?"

"Since Klaus decided it did," Tyler sighs. I know he's annoyed having to pretend to be Klaus's puppet, but if he hadn't come to the dance, he wouldn't be in this situation at all. For now, pretending is how Tyler stays alive, "He still thinks I'm sired to him. If I want to go under his radar I have to do as he says. I'll keep up the act and it will all be over soon."