Always//H.S. (Sequel to Alive)

heat waves

Sometimes, all I think about is you
Late nights in the middle of June
Heat waves been faking me out
Can't make you happier now

surprise...;)

lila rose

_

(january 22nd 2017...12:45 am)

sometimes all i think about is you..

it's been oddly cold today.

i don't know the reason, wether it's the winter air in california finally becoming colder than high eighties, or it's the fact that it's finally making sense that it's almost been a year. loki, my orange three month old kitten was curled between my knees, my computer sitting on my thighs as the tv hollywood news played in the background. my computer brightness was the only light in the room, reflecting off of the tv onto loki as he stretches his fluffy legs out, his head curled in my calf, and one of his paws was clawing at my skin, but i'd never even dare to wake him up. he's too cute.

starting my own company has been the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced.

wildflower cosmetics was something that i created in my dads house during my six months in kentucky, and i've never felt more like him than in that moment. things like beauty and formulas weren't what my dad was about, but creating was. my dad made all of his own your dates, his merch, and his album designs were all made by him. he made them with his own hands and his own old computer, and knowing that i'm doing the same with my company is the most beautiful thing. it makes me happy to think i could be making him proud...even without him by my side.

my eyes flick from my computer to the television, and my hands stop as a familiar smile flashes across the screen, paired with a pair of green eyes, and a girl sat in his lap, dark brown hair shining under the lights of the bar they sat in. i feel the same feeling i felt when i saw him last, that gutting feeling when he begged for me to stay, but i couldn't. i couldn't stay around someone...especially since it seems now like he hasn't cut her off the way he said he had.

i haven't said his name since the last time i saw him.

i know it's overdramatic, but for some reason even thinking about him brings so much just pain and horrid feelings in my body that I can't handle feeling. i just wish he wouldn't haven needed to end it so soon.

i miss him a lot, i hate to admit it but i do. i miss the way he held me and the way he would whisper in my ear when i was in a bad mood. i miss the way he knew so much about me. i miss being with someone like that. i mean it's not like i haven't been with anyone in two years, i've messed around with people that i've gotten to know, but it was never enough for them to feel the way he did.

i miss feeling like someone really wanted to hold me.

i feel my eyes start to sting and my hands tumble over the keys of the keyboard on my laptop, and i stop, looking up at the tv again to be met with the horrific sight of his lips on some random girls, his hands in her hair, hers in his. i used to be that girl, the one that could whisk him away from anything and everything just to give him and i a distraction. i miss being his distraction.

distraction. distraction. distraction.

distract yourself lila, don't get back in that place.

there was a time that i felt like i wasn't enough, and sometimes i do feel like that even after, but when i created my brand i wanted it to make me feel like i was enough for somebody, enough for the people like me who wanted to express their feelings through makeup. i wanted to be that distraction to them. i try to not even look back up, but when i do i see him. driving away with the girl in his car, his hand in hers and hers in his, just like it was for us.