Always//H.S. (Sequel to Alive)

from me, the moon

Tell me if the years are all gone
Is the moon still in love with the sun?
Do you still keep counting my sins?
Will your heart ever forgive my skin?

it's my birthday today :)
sixteen and still mentally ill 😁
anyway happy reading it sucks but lol enjoy 😻

(presents-day...March 6th,2018...12 am)

lila rose

"calm down, calm down," i whisper to myself as my rapid heartbeat pounds over and over again against my chest, my eyes filled with tears as i look into the mirror of my bathroom, feeling absolutely disgusting.

i can't believe i treated him like that, it's not me. i think he knows it's not me, but at the same time i just feel so bad, enough to have me bouncing on the heels of my feet, trying to decide what to do. i wanted to see him, but i knew he didn't want to see me, which is why i called mitch. i knew harry was mad about what i said and if the roles were reversed i knew i would be fuming, but i also didn't want to leave him alone.

we had sex, casual, rough, degrading sex.

i look down at the sleeping cat at my feet as i stare up at the razor in my shower, trying to keep myself from doing that again, i can't-i won't. i stomp to my bare closet, pulling on a pair of biker shorts and a loose hoodie, brushing my hands through my hair into a bun, and i wipe the rest of the mascara off, grabbing my keys, silently crying as i slide into my car, slowly pulling out of my driveway.

i'm going to apologize, i couldn't give less of shit if he didn't want to see me, i can't let myself harm just because i'm too scared to say that i was sorry. i try my hardest to focus on the road through my tears, but it doesn't stop, and i can't blame myself for being so emotional about this. i mean this is what i wanted, i wanted to be his, but i know i can't be fully his.

i'm not ready for a relationship like that yet, especially one that starts off with a business. i had tried my best all night to keep myself from thinking of him. i went to the gym for a couple hours, went on a run, made color ideas based off of the ideas harry had sent me for the highlighters, but when i even tried to eat something he was all i could think about.

i arrive at his gate, telling the man my name and he lets me through, frowning at the probably disgusting amount of tears on my face, but the only thing i can focus on is trying to see harry. i pull through the driveway, seeing his lights on and i cringe when i see him stood at the door. leaning against the frame and his hands played nervously with each other as i slowly turned off the car, wiping my eyes. i keep my composure, holding my keys and phone in one hand and using my other hand to wipe my nose, getting out of my car, and he stands up straight when he sees my face, and i press my trembling lips together, looking away from him.

i slowly walk towards him, and he's holding a cigarette in one hand and the other was pushing against the door handle.

i didn't know he smoked.

two years and you still look the same, harry

"what're you doing here?" he mumbles, bringing the cigarette up to his lips and i watch with drunken eyes as he wraps those toxic cherry lips around his cigarette. it takes me a minute to respond, trying to find the actual reason i was here in the back of my mind, but i couldn't, i could only think about what i said to him.

"m' sorry, harry," i whisper, and i cough out a sob, hearing his slow sigh as i close my eyes, shaking and sobbing as i feel his arms pull me towards him, pulling my hands away from my face and i hold my hands in fists so tight i'm scared they'll bleed. it's been so long since i've gotten an actual good cry like this, and his unoccupied hand comes up to hold the back of my head, sighing, and letting my forehead rest on his chest. "i was scared and i know i hurt you and i'm so sorry and so scared, i didn't want you to think i was just sleeping with you to get back together and-"