Daffodil Sprouts🌼

Ch. 44 ' Last Straw.

A lOT HAS HAPPENED since I came to New York.

So much.

Chaos. Yes, that's the word.

It's been nothing but chaotic. And stressful.  Oh so stressful.

It might not seem like it, but I love a peaceful life. One that doesn't get me involved with many people, especially in a bad way. One that's full of laughter, playful chiding and even more playful tantrums. One that doesn't involve getting attacked and bothered at every turn and angle. One that doesn't involve people getting hurt because of me. Over, and over, and over again.

I've never had to experience it.

I can't handle it.

I can't handle this.

None. I can't handle any of this.

I watch in a daze, Jason getting pulled away by some guys who are at the same time trying to curb the rush of blood from his palm.

'Are you okay?' he's asking me as he gets dragged off, his voice a resounding echo in my head. One that tears my heart to shreds.

Am I okay?

I look around. At the dreadful garden borders a few inches away and at the dirty floor I'm sitting on. Nothing feels broken. There's no pain. No harm done, not physically.

Jason is quite a distance away now, but he's still looking at me, expecting an answer.

'I'm okay.'

I don't hear anything as I should. I only feel the movement of my mouth. Jason must've read my lips because he smiles afterward. And mouths a 'thank God' before he takes a flinching look at his bleeding right hand. They disappear around the bend afterwards; Jason and the guys helping him. Helping him away from another of my messes.

I'm okay, but he's not. Because of me.

I steady my hands on the ground and try to push myself up but can't find any strength. On looking up, my gaze lands on Leo. He looks mortified, and like he wants to approach me but is scared to.
The searing rage I expect never comes. Just a deepened sadness. If you wanted to hurt me, Leo, you should've done it properly. You should've hurt me.

You should've hurt me.

Someone pulls me up afterwards, and I relish the scent of Sam like the relieving pill it is. She smells nice, like lavender leaves. Not blood and pain, the one threatening to suffocate me.

Sam helps me stand straight, and doing that puts a strain on my being in general, making my breath come in shivers.

"Are you okay?" she asks, her eyes terrified and darting to the bend Jason and his helpers disappeared through.

They would've gotten to the sickbay by now right? He's receiving help by now right?

"Are you okay?" Sam asks again, looking around my body urgently.

Why? Why does it matter if I'm okay or not when he's hurt because of me? Being alright fills me with guilt. Such sickening guilt.

I've hurt him again, lord.

Why do I keep doing this? Why does this keep happening?

"Yesmi," Sam calls and forces me to concentrate on her.

I push her arms off and walk away from the cafeteria corridor. Away from the choking crowd. "I want to go and see him."

———

At the sickbay, I encounter Bella leaving as I'm about to walk in. Her countenance stiffens as she sees me, and she puts her head down and swipes a hand over her cheek, hurriedly leaving. Sam and I exchange a look but say nothing to each other.