✿ first impression: title, cover and description (7/15)
while the title hints at an interesting story, i feel it's long. this makes it not fully visible until i click on the story. maybe sufficing with Crown of Quarren works?
i dislike the cover bc:
-the background photo is not clear.
-it does not have the author's username (or it wasn't clear to me).
-the title is black over a greyscale photo, which makes it hard to read. try a white outline?
try canva! many free, easy templates.
when i read the first paragraph of the description, it makes me think the story will revolve around xareni's relationship with people in her life. okay, no objections. made me wonder how that will make a story. then, in the next paragraph, you start it with 'suddenly', which is a lazy way to not explain how the transition happened. you mention murder, and i'm like, woah, that's intense! how? and... it ends there. i feel like you need to tease more about the hook and inciting incident. also, but needs a comma before it in the compound sentence.
✿ plot & chapters (15/20)
a story about royals--interesting! you also have your own kingdom, great but needs worldbuilding.
+ c1 was quite the info-dump: when you talked about the bf, privileges of being a princess, her cousins... etc. how about you show us these things gradually thru the story and not just collect them in one paragraph of telling? (reading on more, i noticed the majority of the writing style is info-dumping)
+ i feel the way the chapter approached sex was awkward bc to mention it was great and mind-boggling without being able to read about it was dissatisfying. even at the end of the scene, i felt more descriptions were needed. they were talking, then she suddenly slid on him without the readers being told of her gradual movements. tension needs to be built.
+ there is an inaccuracy regarding her cousin's topic. so, she hadn't seen them in two years, and she had been dating bradley for two years too. then how would he think 'it happened every time her cousins were mentioned or coming around'? bc in these two years they dated, they didn't come around, but i'm not sure about the mentioning. you might wanna rethink this thought bubble.
+ you tell us xareni is good at escaping, but we're not told how. how can she escape 6 bodyguards? it will sound unrealistic until you tell us how. i understood she did it every tuesday too. couldn't her family and guards pick up on the pattern and watch out more?
+ xareni's phone goes off on the breakfast table--isn't it ill-mannered for royalty to have her phone on during meals? there are a few more places where royal manners aren't accurate. if your royal world is different, then you need to show us that.
+ the royal family is constantly afraid of media. it makes me wonder, can't they control media? how democratic is quarren?
+ we're not told why arren leaves the throne, and xareni has to replace him. it doesn't work like this in kingdoms as long as there is a male heir. why he can leave, but she can't? unless this is a part of the hook that we need to wait to know? i didn't see hints tho.
+ in the party in c2, the three girls gawk at a guy. i found it cliché--yes, ofc he is human! also, why'd xareni get close when she had a bf? i think she should've been tougher?
+ i finished c2, and the inciting incident hadn't happened yet. felt the pace was a little slow. or hey, was it meeting zavien? if so, that part needs more focus for its important role in the story.
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Anna's Reviews
Non-Fiction[ closed ] get a detailed review and in-depth analysis from a self-taught literature student. sometimes, i do special reviews while requesting is closed. it doesn't mean you can request too. but hey, maybe i'll take a special request from you if...
