✿ first impression: title, cover and description (5/15)
okay, the title is basically the ship's name. nth for me to judge there.
the cover is a photo without the title or your name. no filter, no anything.
the description is one generic line. nth for me to judge too.
overall, i think you need to show more effort for the first impression.
✿ plot & chapters (5/20)
fanfiction isn't my cup of tea, but you insisted on me giving it a chance, so i'll be honest: i didn't enjoy the story. i didn't understand the plot or character's motives bc i was thrown in the middle of a story. the book is a continuation of a show i think.
+ i didn't appreciate the abrupt throw of the l-word without context or solid feelings.
+ i don't understand where jack was, and why they weren't together if they liked each other. you need to explain these things subtly even if the show has already done it.
+ i saw no build-up for their feelings to justify their constant thinking of each other.
+ nth exciting happens, or anything that leads to one for the matter. try to build up for the climax and use an inciting incident early in the story? the pace was very slow.
the review will present the reasons and suggestions for improvement.
✿ characters (5/20)
no major characterisation whatsoever, probably bc you depended on the show to do that.
morrigan was dumped with water yet she forgot it bc it was jack? doesn't make sense. that was a disrespectful move, enough to turn my love into a bitter feeling for someone. totally childish.
the whole story just revolves around hidden feelings. i don't see their lives aside from that. i think the characters need stronger motives besides their crushes. one's life doesn't revolve around a love interest.
on a cliché metre from 1-10, the book in 10. they like each other but are afraid to admit it bc they don't know if the other likes them back. gave me a new teens vibe? how old were they?
✿ grammar (7/15)
the book was barely readable for the following reasons:
□ know when to end a sentence and not drag it on without punctuation. once you have subject + verb + object, end it. there are major punctuation errors in the story.
□ errors in compound sentences: when you use a coordinator (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so: you can use the acronym FANBOYS to help you remember the seven coordinators) to join full meaning sentences, use a comma.
For example → she washed her face, and she brushed her teeth.
Notice that if you omit the 'and' in the second sentence, the sentence is meaningful (independent).
However, you don't need a comma if you omit the second 'she' → she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
□ quotation marks stick to the dialogue inside them with spaces on either side. you don't enclose the quotation marks with the right punctuation mark.
→ When you use a speech tag (said and anything in the meaning of it: whisper, mutter...), you enclose with a comma and the word after the quotation isn't capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely," she said.
OR: She said, "She is lovely."
→ When you use something other than that, aka dialogue beats (a description of the physical action a character makes while speaking), you enclose with a period and the next word is capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely." She nodded.
also, when a new character speaks, they get a new paragraph, otherwise, it's confusing. give it a speech tag if more than two people are talking, or if a new person enters the conversation.
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please, try to edit the book to enhance readability. typos and missing words are sprinkled here and there too.
✿ writing style (10/30)
□ you can't use onomatopoeic words (like swoosh) solely to describe a sound, nor put actions between stars to indicate them. you have to describe the sounds and actions with your own words. how it felt like to hear it, how it affected the characters, and all that.
□ in third-person, you don't need to mention it when you switch povs. just show a cut in the scene and change cameras to the other character--don't do it in the middle of the same scene tho. confusing and ruins the flow. (got a tip in my tips book regarding that)
□ monologues were sprinkled randomly throughout the narration, but while you used third-person limited, you didn't need to do that. you could simply address her thoughts through the narration.
□ dialogue & monologues also took the most of your writing. people were talking to themselves most of the time with you barely writing a paragraph about how they looked, what was the place like, what were their feelings like while talking... etc. it felt more like a scenario, and the poor execution of dialogues contributed to that.
there were barely any descriptions in the book of what i mentioned above. barely any coherent paragraphs; just random paragraphs of where someone went or what they're doing straightforwardly. many places could use more descriptions of feelings like shock, sorrow and happiness, like when the bucket fell on her. so much wasted potential there. you need to say she was shocked and felt chills filling her body, for example. you need to explain her physical and emotional conditions. remember, what's in your imagination is yours only until you describe it to us.
□ there is also no need to use all-caps for emphasis. it doesn't look good and professional. use italicisation for emphasis, or a simple exclamation mark with the tag 'scream' if you meant a raise of tone.
□ a better and more professional way of showing the transition of time and place is to blend it in with the narration. sth like: "Later that night, Jack couldn't sleep... etc" instead of straightforwardly say that 'later' at the beginning of the chapter.
□ you switch tenses a lot. the book isn't in present, mostly the past actually.
✿ overall (32/100)
you're still young and have a huge room for improvement! i'm sorry if i discouraged you. :( i tried my best to be helpful. hope it worked.
for further help, check out my tips corner or my other reviews as you might find notes that can help you too! 🤗
thank you for stopping by! please remember to credit me for reviewing, and happy writing! ❤
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
Anna's Reviews
Nonfiksi[ closed ] get a detailed review and in-depth analysis from a self-taught literature student. sometimes, i do special reviews while requesting is closed. it doesn't mean you can request too. but hey, maybe i'll take a special request from you if...
