Is it really worth it?

"Run, Maya run"

*Why did I think I could get away with this? What the hell Bishop. Carina might lose her job all because of you.*

That old familiar feeling of spinning thoughts returned as soon as she slipped even for just a second and let her mind drift away from the good thoughts and back deep into the bad ones. She was to blame for this accident. Or at least that's where her thoughts went. Carina did come here willingly and decided to kiss her in the hallway. Of course, Maya didn't force her. And of course, Maya couldn't see that. In her mind, everything was her fault. The fact that she developed an Eating Disorder seemed like her fault. That Carina suffered because she was in a coma. All her fault. And Maya knew to her core some of those guilt feelings wouldn't disappear too quickly. At least that was not how it felt for her. But then again many things didn't seem the way they were to her.

Her downwards spiral was stopped by the ringing of a phone which she recognized to be hers. A loud shrill that pierced her ears. She definitely needed to change that ringtone. "Bishop?" An unfamiliar voice spoke her name. "Yes, this is she." One could hear her confused tone. "Uh, yeah I forgot this is Bailey. I called to talk about Carina." Of course, she knew the voice. She just decided to partly forget it. Given Bailey was one of her main doctors back in Grey-Solan. She waited for Bailey to talk again and tell her what exactly happened. Did she lose her job? What happened?

"Yeah, okay I'll talk to her." With that Maya put down her phone and let herself sink back into the warm bed. She had to process the information she had just been given. How come Maya didn't know? She was way too concentrated on herself. She felt a punch in her guts with these thoughts crossing her mind. How could she have missed it?

Maya grabbed onto her chest. In an attempt to improve her breathing. Her chest felt tight and her vision went dark. Sweat started grazing her forehead. She felt like her chest was going to explode. The lack of air made her face light up in a bright red color. What was this feeling? And then seconds later it dawned on her. A panic attack. She hasn't had one in ages. She felt just as suffocated as she did so many years ago.

*Flashback to Olympic run*

"Run, Maya Run!" She heard her dad crying out her name. She had no choice but to win. She couldn't lose. She just couldn't. "Pull yourself together, Maya" her dad's voice rang in her ears. A haunting sound. She ran and ran. As fast as her legs could carry her. And then suddenly it got dark. The red track of the race evaporated. Only darkness was now found in front of her eyes. Still, she felt her legs push against the pain forming in her chest. Millions of tiny daggers hitting her. At least that's what it felt like. But of course, she couldn't let herself surrender. Her limbs wouldn't give up. Her brain couldn't comprehend the darkness in Maya's vision or the pain forming in her core. Still, she heard him. His voice. "Run Maya run." Tears started leaking out of her eyes. She didn't allow herself to show weakness even when it felt like her heart was about to give out. She was her dad's golden child and that title must be kept. No matter the circumstances. So Maya ran through her very first panic attack. She won the race with sweat dripping down her forehead. The pinching in her core was never fully released.

*now*

Her lungs were still aching for air. Her mind still wishing for a release. A release of that memory and the pain of her most loved one going through something so big and her not even knowing. Maya was once again overwhelmed by her pain.

"Maya? Bambina, all good?" Hearing Carina's voice already eased her pain slightly. Maya huffed into the phone and soon after Carina realized what was going on. "Okay, breath Maya. Tell me what are 5 things you can see?" Maya looked around trying to focus on her task and not the buzzing in her ears it the pain was still very present in her chest. She answered with: Bed, window, clouds, shirt, and ring. "Good, good now 4 things you can touch." Carina went through the procedure she knew too well for Maya's panic attacks.

Maya's breaths started to come easier and the pain in her chest released. Now she felt the old comfort of hearing her loved one's voice. "Thank you. Thank you so mu-" Maya was interrupted mid-sentence. "Stop thanking me Bambina. I'd do anything for you. Get used to it." Maya smiled and felt her heart warm up. For just a moment hearing Carina's voice was all that mattered. She wanted to say I love you to her but she knew that it wouldn't matter because both of them knew that this by now went without saying.

They talked for a while about Carina's new patient and how she didn't want to give birth and just let the child live in her belly. Maya giggled and smiled. Having her on the phone truly made her the happiest. Though she knew they had to talk. Not about Carina's crazy patients but about what Doctor Bailey had told her.

"Carina..." Maya started but couldn't quite form words together. Luckily Carina chimed in "yeah, I know Bambina I know. Bailey told you didn't she?" Maya could hear Carina's words coming out between sniffles and cries. "Why didn't you tell me?" Maya asked as relaxed as she could. She didn't want to seem mad. Her fiancee was clearly struggling to find any words. "It's okay honey. Just know you can always tell me. Even if I'm in a clinic this relationship goes both ways don't ever forget that yeah?" She could feel Carina nod on the other side of the phone. Again the 'I love you' went without saying.

They said their goodbyes and soon after it was Maya again alone in her room. Without the calming voice of her fiancee close to her. At least Carina knew that Maya was there for her. Or she hoped she did. It still stunned Maya that Carina was too worried to tell her. She didn't want to be the fragile woman in the relationship who one couldn't tell the problems in life. Now all she had to figure out is how to get rid of him. The man who ruined Carina's life.

After all, they both did have problems with their fathers. So Maya might be able to help. How she would to that stationed in a clinic and only having seen him once she still had to figure out.

(I hope all of you enjoyed this chapter. Did anyone catch onto what happened to Carina? If so do tell...)