Is it really worth it?

"Not right now Maya!"

It felt right. It finally felt right. After years of longing for peace, years of being suffocated by her own mind, she finally felt at peace with vitality. Maya had a beautiful ring around her finger and now so did Carina. They left the hospital hand in hand collecting some smiles, some of the disgust, some genuine. But Maya didn't care. It was already late and Maya had observed Carina the entire day doing what she does best. Well only In a hospital. Falling in love the tiniest bit more, not sure how such a forceful and powerful love could gain in force and power.

"Bambina," Carina pulled her hand out of Maya's "Not here okay?" Maya's brows furrowed in confusion. Not what? And whatever it was why not here? They kept on walking through the hospital halls, their fingers no longer intertwined it felt weird not to feel the weight of Carina's hand in hers but she didn't fight to get it back. Instead, she looked around and tried to figure out what Carina had meant. Carina's shoulders were tightened her posture straight. Usually, this only occurred when she was being dominant, getting a job, or scared. Though Maya decided not to overthink it since she had been trying to get rid of the screaming thoughts she used to have.

They walked to the Car and got in, and silently drove to the restaurant Carina had suggested. It was something Maya hadn't done in years. Go to a restaurants with an actual intention to eat.

What had happened when they walked through the hospital? why was Carina acting like they hadn't just had the most wonderful day in years. "Babe," Maya started. "What, Maya? Can we not go to the restaurant? Want to turn around and eat at home?" Her voice seemed to be laced with anger and a poison that punched Maya deeply in the gut. What did she mean? Maya shook her head "of course not I'm looking forward to it!" She said hoping to just have caught Carina off guard. Maya had a slight smile on her lips, maybe that would make her statement seem more convincing. She knew how to act around people with anger bubbling in them, how to control that anger so it wouldn't erupt and cause damage. She always talked her father out of his attacks so he wouldn't hurt Mason or some other silly reason. Of course, Maya knew Carina wasn't her father but she couldn't resist giving everything to please her angry mind. The rest of the drive was silent, no emotions were shown on Carina's face. What the fuck happened?

They arrived at the restaurant. It looked beautiful, there were pink blossoms surrounding the entrance, and the restaurant's name shined in silver. "Corazón" it spelled which Maya knew meant heart in Spanish. Carina had picked a romantic restaurant. She did want to make a gesture. The restaurant was full of people holding each other's hands or hands that seemed to be edging closer yarning to being touched by the other person. Some smiles bubbling here and there just like the champagne on various tables. It looked great but Maya couldn't enjoy it fully.

"DeLuca, yes the table for two," Carina spoke to the waiter. He led them to a small table right in the corner of the restaurant.

"Well, this is cozy." Maya said only getting a small "hmph" in response from Carina. They sat down. Maya took Carina's coat. Got up again. Hung the coats on a nearby stand. Sat down again. This all happened completely wordlessly. "Carina, what is u-" before Maya could ask what was happening to Carina she got interrupted. "Not right now Maya!" Carina looked down frustrated she had not intended for her statement to come out so strong. Though she didn't ask for forgiveness about her tone.

Dinner was awful. Maya didn't know what to say and besides the fact that her not yet started marriage was going downhill the silence also gave her time to think about what she was doing. Exactly what she was doing. Her mind spun. 300, 550, 700, 350. Her thoughts went crazy and she was sure that she was going to have a breakdown in the next few seconds. Is this what relapse felt like? Finally, a warm, so familiar hand was placed on hers. "Bambina, breathe it's okay" Carina was trying to sound caring, and to a certain extent she did but the annoyance still clearly shone through.

*I can't believe I did this. I made the person I love most in this world go through literal hell and didn't even care to ask how she was feeling, how her life had been these past months, what she wanted, and what she didn't. I was so busy worrying about myself and me me me. God I'm stupid I shouldn't have pulled her into this I should have never tried to keep this alive I'm not supposed to be her burden. *

The past months of intense therapy and treatment seemed to have evaporated right here and now. She didn't care that she wasn't responsible for Carina's decision to stick around and assist. She didn't care that her ED wasn't her fault and shouldn't be looked at as such. At this very moment, all Maya felt was failure. She was a failure that burdens everyone she loved, which makes her more unlovable than she had guessed. And then there was the immense guilt she felt for eating, it had faded so much in recovery, that she had barely remembered the feeling of it. "Let's go home, I don't feel like eating anyway." Carina said and winced at the second part of her sentence "I mean, I'm just tired." She corrected herself. Maya did that. Maya was the reason Carina had to be careful with her words around her. Because of Maya, Carina couldn't talk about the real reason she wanted to go home. Because of Maya, Carina never talked about her true and honest feelings. Maya seemed to have forgotten the hurt Carina went through. Yes, she was there for her when her father visited but thereafter? Maya nodded guilt flooding her mind. She was the reason. They silently left the restaurant. The silence kept. Maya felt like shit and apparently so did Carina. Maya knew she had to figure out why Carina let go of her hand and why she was so on edge she had to know. She also planned on giving Carina another out. Now before the wedding, she couldn't deal with the guilt welling up in her chest. She couldn't burden a person like this. She had to let her leave. Was it really worth it for Carina to stick around?

(A little bit of angst for you... It was going to perfect y'all I'm deeply sorry :)) as always I'd love to hear what you think and your theories on what happened to Carina. Why did she let go of Maya's hand?)