Is it really worth it?

"He left so many little scars,"

Maya was spinning around thoughts on how to come back to Mr. Decluca's words. Though nothing seemed suitable. She didn't want to bite his head off in a hypothetical way of course. She usually did with men saying she wasn't a real captain because she was a woman and all the things surrounding that. But this was her finances dad. So she spared him. Again to be fair to Maya Mr. Deluca didn't even know they were engaged. or that Carina was also into women. Well, clearly one of these revealed could lead to him finding out the other. But again one would be surprised how obvious connections a homophobic mind can't make. Maya felt a yank at her wrist. She had drifted off; he couldn't understand their Italian arguing anyway. Carina was pulling Maya out of her seat, her head signaling towards the door of the cafe. I understood immediately and obeyed.

Some people were walking putting movement into the little cafe, Carina took the chance and walked hastily to the door. Before we were completely out and left her father behind, she turned looked at her father, and spoke: "Spero di non vederti mai piu. Oh, eh comunque è la mia prossima mogile." (I hope I'll never see you again. Oh and this is my future wife)

It left him speechless and we were now completely gone and out of sight. Sadly I didn't have a sense of what the hell just happened but it seemed to enrage Carina. A rage I had never seen her form. Maya of all people knew how much a childhood scar could sting so she did understand the pain she just didn't understand how it had been inflicted. Carina's hand was still tight around hers. She really did not understand how her dad didn't realize they were together and idiot could have seen it from miles away. Then again straight, homophobs often didn't see the very obvious signs

I followed Carina's rapid steps not questioning where she was going and that that was further away from where we had parked our car. She seemed fixated on a bench at the very back of the parking spots. Her breathing came faster and Maya could feel her muscles tighten. She immediately noticed the signs. Carina was having her first panic attack. Maya reacted fast knowing a little to well how to deal with this. She sat her fiancee down on the bench and knelt before her. Her blue eyes stared into Carina's brown eyes. Hands placed on her knees. "Carina, hey look at me. Just look at me, okay?" Maya ordered her the way Carina used to. She obeyed. "Now, I want you to tense all your muscles tight and let them all loose after." Maya knew this trick and it helped her the best. Knowing that this trick was also biologically proven. After relaxing her muscles Maya focused on Carina's mind shutting off. She knew the slithering ways your mind tried to play tricks on you during a panic attack. She knew all the sensations Carina was feeling. And if she could she'd take all of those feelings away from her love and feel them a million times if it meant Carina wouldn't have to feel them again. But Maya knew she couldn't. Carina had to live through this hurt

Maya could strangle all the fathers that inflicted pain on their children. The pain of having to earn the constant approval of their fathers. The pain of never being good enough and always having something to change. The pain one simply cannot escape even if you're grown and strong, facing pain much worse than the one that has already occurred. But pain makes us stronger, right? At least that's what our dads used to say. Fear is the worst poison don't let it get to you! That was what those dads used to tell their children. To poison their kids, not with fear but with shame of experiencing that fear, If they did talk. Sometimes all the children earned is a compromising nod something to think about for the rest of the week to hate yourself for because you didn't do what those fathers expected. And a few simply weren't present they left as soon as they could to escape their baby's screams and leave the mother to do all the work they clearly couldn't complete. They were the ones with fear rippling through them. Not the poor children who suffered under their father's force or mourned in his absence. Anything these fathers did left a scar. One of the worst parts though was no one could begin to understand even remotely. No one ever understood the way these children mourned, no one understood how someone could hate their father. But these children went through hell and back just to make things right. And now these children were adults like Carina and Maya herself, who had to deal with thousands of scars their fathers left behind. Most of them have issues with the scars for the rest of their life. Including probably Maya and Carina.

Maya tried to calm Carina down. With exercises and tactics, she had learned. Tensing your muscles, releasing them. Counting with your fingers until you couldn't anymore. Distracting with questions like "what did you have for breakfast?". Maya tried everything that came to mind. Carina calmed down a little but she hadn't relaxed completely. Maya thought back to the many times she had been in this situation and what got her out. Then she remembered.
"You'll have smiles on your faces like crickets and stars in August" Maya sang the lullaby that could calm her nerves any day. Maya could feel Carina's muscles release the tension they had endured. Finally, she relaxed into Maya's touch. Her breathing came steadier and her words weren't shaky. Crazy what a single lullaby can trigger in your brain. She wondered where exactly it had come from.

Back in the car Maya now sat behind the steering wheel. Carina was better yes, but one couldn't recover fully that promptly. So, Maya had one had on the steering wheel the other on Carina's thigh. She hadn't said anything which worried Maya quite a bit. Usually when Carina got angry one couldn't miss her rage. She was loud and lived out her anger by swearing and stomping. But this situation with her father was something else. It triggered something that sent Carina into shock. Maya could almost feel the way Carina's memories came flooding back. At least that's exactly how it was for her. She got in bed head and then couldn't come out again until she was torn out by someone like Carina or April. The much she disliked April she had to admit her physiology capacities were amazing.

Once they arrived safe and sound at home Maya tried talking. "Baby, what did he do? What did he say?" Carina's gaze lingered on the floor not wanting to face the question. After a few moments of silence, she did look up and could even force herself to speak. "It's always hard seeing him and how he talked to you I just couldn't." She paused. Her thoughts strayed back to the little cafe. Maya could feel the pain her fiancee felt. "He left so many little scars and he can't even see it. He can't see the pain he caused me and Andrea. He still thinks he did everything right no matter how often I've tried to tell him the truth. He can't see it. I know he was going to be the same but the little hope for reconciliation was still there. And when he started talking bad about you." Carina cut off again. "I- couldn't anymore. You are the person I love most on this messy world and I can't hear him talk like that. So I told him you're my fiancee and that I wish I would never see him again." It shouldn't be there but the proud feeling Maya had was so present one could read it off her face. She dared to finally leave her asshole father behind and now so did Carina. They were finally gone.

(I'm so so sorry this took so long I hope you guys like it. Excuse my Italian if it's terrible or wrong I'm sorryyyyy. Btw I love love love your comments and feed back so pls give me all the feedback you have.)