tryst [sequel] // h.s

74

Chapter seventy four

Zara

Today is December 29th. Today would have been my due date.

As a mum, they tell you it's merely an estimate, a date to look forward to, and the prediction for the week that will bring you the most joy. The baby can be born on the same day if fate decides it to be that way, maybe a day later, a date after. Weeks earlier or weeks later in case the baby were to be born naturally or via c-section, that can be scheduled and you know.

The problem is, when you lose your baby, the only date that rumbles through your head is the due date. There isn't any other date when the baby might surprise you, other than the miscarriage.

This is the day that could have been, the day everything changed. The day I wasn't going to be alone anymore, perhaps the last day I was supposed to feel alone because my baby would be here, in between my arms.

Surrounded by people, here I find myself, feeling more alone than I ever had. My anxiety levels are up the roof and my morning session with Isla did nothing for me.

I can't have anything else in my mind when the only thing I can think of is my baby. I don't want to let myself be stuck into this unstoppable spiral of sadness. Mourning what could have been but today feels like a good time to let go.

There is no good time. My brain tries to tell me, and it's true. There's no linear process to follow through, or a step-by-step guide I can read. I am on my own, once more.

I wish Harry could be by my side but I have to be honest with myself, it wouldn't change much of what I am feeling right now.

I feel useless, pathetic, broken, and alone.

There is a flight I have to catch in three hours to get to London where I am supposed to meet Anna and Cassie for a layover. Then we take three more flights so we can make it there in time, so it will be a long day for me and I'm dreading it.

The only good thing is that I will meet Harry at the end of it but I don't want him to see me in this state.

I have been good at masking it in front of my family, and I will probably be able to hide it from Cassie but not him. I can't lie to him, but at the same time, I don't want these to be the circumstances in which we meet.

The perfect plan I crafted is ready to set in motion, so I can surprise him and spend New Year's with him as he has been insisting on me to, but I can't. He has been having a good time since he arrived, two days ago and I don't want to ruin that because I'm still caught up on my failed miscarriage.

It's been six months since it happened, and I don't want him to see me like this again. He's had enough, I've put him through enough and he doesn't deserve this.

Perhaps I don't deserve him.

I don't want to feel like this. I am sick and tired of feeling this way and the only thing I want right now is to disappear. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to not be seen.

I am no good to anyone like this, and definitely not for myself but there's no escaping that so I'm trapped in my head. This feels like a good moment to take an emergency pill.

Then, my anxiety lets me measure itself and it's not as bad as it can get so there's room for deterioration. It can only get worse from here so I rather wait until I indeed feel worse or I improve on my own- which is highly unlikely.

This wasn't on my plans, this wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to wake up feeling good after two weeks with my family, giddy and ready to see my boyfriend so we can spend the holidays and potentially the rest of our lives together, but I can't.