tryst [sequel] // h.s

16

I could fall, or I could fly
Here in your aeroplane
And I could live, I could die
Hanging on the words you say
And I've been known to give my all
And jumping in harder than
Ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby
Unless you mean it
Don't tell me you need me
If you don't believe it
So let me know the truth
Before I dive right into you

song: dive by Ed Sheeran

(a/n: not meant to be played while reading)

Chapter sixteen

Zara

There's a reason why I don't believe in long-distance relationships.

Mainly because I know for a fact that they don't work and maybe because the only precedent I have to compare to it, it's when I had my first ever real broken heart at the tender age of sixteen when I believed promises were meant to be kept.

But you know what's worse than a long-distance relationship?

An only God knows where we stand on whatever it is that we are maintaining with Harry when he's halfway across the country and who knows when we'll ever see each other again.

Love can move mountains, can't it? Well, I need it to make distance or days shorter but this seems eternal. And I know I'm being dramatic because I saw him just over a week ago but the feeling is intense.

I have to be careful, though. Falling back in and into him is so tricky and I can't risk losing myself again, not when I'm finally seeing the process in myself. So, in a way this is good; keep distances, get our priorities straight, clear feelings, and what we want.

And right now I just feel like a spoiled brat that wants cuddles and kisses from her boy, back massages and sweet nothings whispering into my ears.

I'm so clingy, fuck.

No, I'm a strong independent woman that knows what she wants and where she stands. I know where I am headed and I don't need anyone to make me happy because I can only get there myself, and I'm almost where I want to be.

Therapy with Isla last week was an entire rollercoaster ride, so much that the 60 minutes of session that we had felt shorter than ever and we left so much that we needed to discuss but she said that she was glad of seeing me so happy.

Although I made a clear advance, I can't really say that everything's picture-perfect. I still had a terrible fight with my childhood friend and an even uglier discussion with my brother. I got very close to drowning in my own head and have a panic attack. I couldn't move for a while and that's not okay but somehow I overcame it.

It seemed like the downfall before the biggest rise up you've ever seen, but I can't ignore it.

The severity of panic attacks only seems to be increasing as I grow up, but that's sort of how life goes on, in my opinion. A panic attack is a way your brain and body can manifest in one and give you alert senses that you are not safe and certainly don't feel like secure.

Your biggest fears come to life to haunt you down and as you grow up, it's worse than before. As you get older, you would expect it's easier to know how to 'adult' but it's far from that, the older you get the more fearful you become.

Uncertainty is part of growing up and I'm scared as fuck of what the future could have planned for me.

Still, even though I don't know what's next for me, I'm sure it includes him.