Strangers, Again

Can't Pretend

Can't Pretend by Tom Odell

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Lizzie's POV

A few days have passed, and I feel as though I'm losing time. Time with her. Time with us. I wish that I could spend as much time as my heart desires, but I can't. She's so close, yet so far from me. I see her, but she doesn't see me. And most importantly, truly the heartbreaking one of all, I love her, but she doesn't love me. Not anymore. I used to be her world, now I'm merely a forgotten space of what once was. I'm on borrowed time, and unfortunately, I've lucked out. I'm out.

I have myself to blame. This is not a way for me to earn self pity, or wanting people close to me to understand. I'm not trying to please anyone with understanding my pain, and how it's affecting me. No, that's not what I'm doing. I came to realize that after all these years, there is no one to blame for my own pain but me. If I had shown up that night, none of this would've happened. She wouldn't have left, wouldn't have been broken, only to be fixed by someone else. Every action has its consequences, and I'm facing mine.

I have come to terms with it. I mean, I have to. There is no reason for me to try to fight it, and tell myself that it's not my fault or something would've separated us even if I did show up that night. Because, the truth is, no matter how bad I want to rewrite my past, and my choices, I can't. I made a choice and I have to deal with it.

If there was one thing I keep coming back to, it was that night. The night of our anniversary. I couldn't help but think of all the what ifs and how great it would've been if everything worked out. I'll never forget how a sudden turn of events changed my life forever.

I didn't think my thoughts would be as loud as they are so early in the morning. I decided to wake up a little early because Maya came home late last night from her camp, and I'm glad that she's back because I miss her so much. She's one of the only few things keeping me together and I don't know what I would do without her. It's not much, but just to show my gratitude, I made her breakfast because I know how much she loves the food I make just for her.

It made me feel better. While I was cooking, Maya was all I could think about. I thought a lot about all the things I have yet to do with her, and also, the little things like help her with her homework, watch her host her first sleepover with her friends, late night ice cream runs, and many more heartfelt memories that I know I'll remember for as long as I could breathe.

"Good morning mom!" Maya greeted me with a smile on her face.

"Come here, little one." I picked her up. "I've missed you so much. You left me all alone for so long."

"I'm sorry." She pouted. "But, I'm here now. And I've missed you too."

"Great, because as soon as I'm done with work, I'll have a little bit of a break and we can do all the fun stuff you want to do."

"With Y/N?" Maya asked, hopeful.

"If she's not busy." I said with a clear hint of despair in my voice. "She leaves for London in two weeks. I'm sure she's busy preparing for her long trip home."

"But, this is her home." Maya held my hand. "Her home is with you."

I kneeled to her level, "Unfortunately, she can't seem to find her way back to me."

Maya slid her hands beside my face, "I can be her guide. I can lead her back to you. Back to your heart. I can do that. Do you want me to do that for you mom?"

I smiled in between suppressive tears, "I would appreciate that, my sweet baby."

Maya pulled me in a warm hug, "I promise to bring her back to you safe and sound. You will be happy again. That's all I want for you."