My Depression Diary

March 30, 2015

Dear Description Diary,

Today started off fine, my mother forced me out of the house. We went to meet up with her friend and my "friends". By "friends" I meant the one that left me in my misery. That went normal, I faked a smile and she ran into a friend and left. Than I over heard my mom and her friend talk about my mom's friend daughter that is in a sort of hospital. I realized that she worries about other peoples kids when I don't come out of my room, sometimes I don't even eat. Even my sister worries about me more than my mom. She asked me if I ate I answered her that I had a pack of crackers because I woke up late. But really the last thing I ate was crackers yesterday in the early afternoon. Later we came home and my sister and mom are looking for jobs. They have work tomorrow and they wanted me to stay home alone. The truth is I freaked out because I'm scared to stay home alone. Because I only have nightmares and about nine out of ten are about me being kidnapped and being chased by someone. It's always been like that for as long as I can remember. So now I freak out every time I'm alone. But the good thing is I'm not staying home alone anymore. Have I told you my mom is trying to get rid of me in the summer so she can work. Anyway I'm the reason she can't work, the reason we can barely pay the rent. I relized that and I reached for the razor. Today I realized that the pain takes your mind off your problems. No I didn't cut but today I fell and got scraped then I took I bath. But this bath was different I didn't try to drown or think about death and my problems. It was because the physical pain took away the emotional pain. So I held the razor up to my wrist and I pressed down. I didn't cut deep it didn't even bleed, it just looks like a paper cut. Because I knew it wasn't right, I knew it would take the pain away but I also knew it would harm me later.