My Depression Diary

June 22, 2015

Dear Depression Diary,
Since yesterday I've been thinking about my dad. He isn't with us right now because he got deported. I feel guilty for not missing him and being mad at him. I felt so guilty that I faked missing him and feeling sad about him being gone. Every day I asked myself "I'm I that heartless that I can't even miss my own dad?" I just didn't see the difference from when he was their and now. My sister got so excited when he called and I got mad. I got mad that he finally decided to call when he was stuck in prison, because of his addiction,to ask for money. (This was in the year we got flooded and didn't have a home for that year) We would of bin living in the streets if it wasn't for family and friends that took us in. We wouldn't of had money to eat if my brother hadn't of save up money when he was working and left it for emergencies. My brother had taken the responsibilities of a father as soon as he got out of high school. Because my dad was/is a alcoholic. My dad left us for alcohol any chance he had. He hardly spent the holidays with us, in thanksgiving I had on less thing to give thanks for love. I remember my early childhood(around when I was 4-6) memories were either of my parents fighting, screamed at me or being bullied. But one memory always sticks out. I was around six and my mom was screaming at me while I cried and screamed at her. My dad was threatening the hit me and then out of the screaming he says "you were a exident". I ran to my room while crying and curled up in a ball in my closet and I remember wanting to die. Till this day I don't have many good memories with my dad actually I don't have many memories with my dad.