Love Letters to You [On Hold]

twenty two.

Entry #22
November 23rd, 2034

My mom knows. She knows about you. She knows about me. She knows about us.

And you wanna know what? I'm scared out of my freaking mind.

I came home late last night because we were out doing horrible stuff to other people. I let you do most of the dirty stuff, because you enjoy that, and I still don't know why. I had to stand there and watch, because it's not like you would let me do anything else.

We had to sneak past my mother, so she wouldn't see all the blood splattered on my face. If my mom ever found out about what I've been doing, I don't know how I'll live after that. My parents would single-handedly kill me with their own bare hands. There wouldn't be any police involved. I would be dead, and sometimes I wonder if you'd even care.

Once we were behind closed doors and began to clean ourselves up from the mess we made earlier, you said, "Great job today, Cal."

You mad it sound like a huge accomplishment, like I had just won a medal or something. Well, maybe to you it was. To me, it felt horrible. It felt like I had betrayed everything I had ever stood for. I betrayed it for you.

And now I'm wondering if you would do the same.

I know you love me because you say it over and over and over again until I get tired of hearing it - but not really because I don't think I could ever get tired of hearing it. Sometimes, though, I think what we're doing is only for you. Something happened to you, something deeper, that makes you the way you are.

That's what Dana use to say. Life makes us who we are.

It's funny because Dana is a hard-ass because she lost her parents. Prim is a sweetheart because she's privileged. Mom is a quitter because she can't get her husband to listen to her. Dad is promiscuous because he can get away with practically anything.

I can never stand up for myself because I'm too used to letting you persuade me into doing things.

So something must have happened to you. It might be this whole "war on homosexuality" thing, but I think it's way deeper than that. No one can be so thrilled by the thought of killing someone like the way you are.

"Nate," I said, finally finding the courage to speak up. "Can I ask you something?"

You used your shirt to wipe all the blood stains from your face. "Yeah."

"Why do you like to kill?"

You weren't expecting that question. "What?"

"Why do you like to kill people? I know you say you only want to get justice or whatever, but I see the way your eyes light up when you see blood. You enjoy it. Why?"

Your lips curled into a comical grin. "I guess I'm just a psychopath." You sounded like you were joking, but it's hard to tell anymore.

"Hey," you called out when I didn't respond, "come here."

"Why?"

"Because I want to kiss you, stupid," you mocked me. Because I couldn't will myself to do anything else, I moved closer. "You did an amazing job today, Cal. I'm proud of you." You planted a quick peck on my cheek.

"Thanks, I guess."

You continued to smile as you danced around the room in pure happiness and plopped onto the edge of my bed, tugging me onto your lap. "So, I've been doing some espionage, and I think we're gonna have to buy a train ticket."

"Train ticket?" I repeated with a lifted brow.

"Yeah, there's some unfinished business I have to do back up north. I want you to come with me, of course."

"But do you really think I'll be able to help you?"

Your green eyes twinkled with amusement. "Of course you can, Cal. You've been nothing but helpful."

"Okay."

You flashed me a quick smile before pressing your lips firmly against mine.

Suddenly, the door popped open and my mother peeked in through the narrow opening. "Cal, dinner's-" She stopped mid-sentence when she caught sight of what was happening.

I hastily scrambled out of your grasp and toppled to the floor. My mom had already left the room by the time I finally recovered to my feet. I charged after her, in hopes of saying something that will ease her worries. There was nothing I could really say that could sway her mind though.

"God dammit," you muttered under your breath as you retrieved a switchblade from the laces of your combat boots.

"No!" I shrieked almost immediately, knowing what you were planning to do. "No, you can't! She's my mother."

You blinked. "So?"

"So," I stressed, "I'll handle it. Just stay here. Okay. Don't move."

You gritted your teeth together, but you stepped down. "Fine."

I mouthed a quick thank you before I darted after my mother, jogging down the stairs with extra speed until I reached the living room where Mom was staring blankly out the window.

She was the first to speak. "I suspected it," she told me.

"You did?"

"I didn't want to believe it was true, but I can see that it is." She still hadn't turned to face me. "I don't want to lose you, Cal."

"Ma, you're not going to lose me. Nate and I ... We're ..."

"I know," she interrupted. "I know what you've been doing."

Was I that transparent that my mother knew about all the things I tried to keep a secret? "Really?"

I saw the glimmer of a tear threatening to fall from her eyes, but it never did. "Whatever you need to do ... do it, and do not tell your father about this. Do you hear me?"

"What do you-"

"I'm giving you permission to slaughter those sons of bitches," she spat. "They took away Carla and I'm not letting them take away you, too."

I shook my head in objection. How could my own mother be so prone to malicious thoughts? She was upset, maybe, but I'd never seen her this upset. When she was mad about something, she cried. She never threatened to kill anyone. "But Mom."

"I've been trying to get in contact with your brother. I want him out of this before things escalate. The north is already revolting and it won't take long before anti-totalitarianism views spread to our area. It may not seem like it in our small little town, but things are getting worse. People - innocent people are dying. Everyone's starting to raise eyebrows."

I really couldn't understand anything my mother was saying. It was hard to believe that the King's control on our society was slowly slipping away, not when everything was still tightly regulated.

"I know what happens when you stand back and do nothing," she told me. "That's how Carla died. Now I know Nate knows what he's doing. I've read some articles on him and he's quite the hero back up north."

That was when I got confused. "Hero?"

"Who do you think started the rebellions?" She questioned me, raising an inquiring brow.

When I read all those horrible articles on you, they made you seem like a monster. I never stopped once to think that you might have actually been fighting for something you believed in.

"We're going to change the world, Cal." She reassured me with a smile. "I know it."

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a/n: eh, I don't know if I like this chapter