Love Letters to You [On Hold]

seven.

Entry #7
October 15th, 2034

We had our evaluation today at school.

I always dreaded those monthly check-ups because they made me nervous. They made me even more nervous today because I was afraid they might find out about my feelings for you.

But you weren't afraid at all. In fact, you looked way too calm. "Nervous?" You asked me and it made me jump because I didn't expect you to talk.

I faked a smile. "Why would I be nervous?" I countered. "I know I'm going to pass."

You laughed. And it was a real laugh. That kind of laugh that only your family hears. "I heard they changed it up this time," you notified me and thinking back to it now, I'm so glad you told me.

"What do you mean?"

You tugged on your white shirt absentmindedly. "They're gonna hook us up to a machine and see if the pleasure centers in our brains are activated when we see a certain picture. Like if they show me a good rack of boobs, my brain's gonna light up like a Christmas tree!"

You made me mad when you said that. I didn't know why you were so driven by seeing a girl naked. That's why I had to ask, "What if your brain lights up when they show you a guy's body part?"

You gave me a weird stare, like I wasn't supposed to ask that. "You know what happens."

I did know. They would kill you if that ever happened and I don't know how I would be able to cope. I would want to cry, for hours. But it was against the law to feel sympathy for those who indulged in homosexuality. So I couldn't cry for you, no matter how much I wanted to.

As we both stood in line, waiting for our names to be called, I tried to think of ways to trick the system. Normally, they would ask us a series of questions while hooking us up to a lie detector and we would be evaluated based on our answers.

I always passed my evaluations, but that was before you came along.

I never thought of the possibility of being gay before. Why would I when I knew I'd be killed for it? But ever since I laid eyes on you, something in me changed. Now I can't look at girls the same anymore. I can't look at anyone the way I look at you.

So how was I supposed to stop my brain from not being attracted to something I was supposed to be attracted to?

And then they called my name and it instantly sent shivers down my spine. I looked over my shoulder to see you giving me a thumbs up. I took in a deep breath and followed one of the ladies dressed in white.

She led me into that same white room with that same steel white chair and politely asked me to sit down.

I did as I was told in a calm and collected manner, but I was anything but calm. I knew it was going to be over for me. The worst part was I didn't even get to say goodbye to my parents or Dana.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to you.

But something miraculous happened. I kept telling myself it had to be a gift from God. Because after the lady showed me all those pictures, she walked towards the advanced computer screen to see my results.

Then there was a loud bang!

I already knew what it was and she already knew it too. She looked at me and sighed. "I'll be right back."

I don't think she knew I was going to tamper with the results. I still can't believe that I did. I would never do such horrible things, Nate. You're making me turn into a bad person. But maybe it's worth it, if that means I get to talk to you and be near you.

So I got up from my seat and stared at the computer screen. I couldn't understand anything on it, but I didn't try to. The one thing I did understand was the big red power button, and so I pressed it.

Then I went back to my seat and waited for the lady to come back.

When she did, she had red stains on her white attire. She looked at me, and I looked at her. But she didn't say anything about where the stains came from even though we both knew. Instead, she glanced at the computer. "Hey!" She yelled to herself. "What happened?"

I folded my hands into my lap and tried to keep my composure. Maybe this would be my last day alive, but at least I died fighting.

But the lady didn't do anything. "Whatever." She looked at me again with bright blue eyes. "You can go," she muttered under her breath.

I'm still surprised she let me go. I wonder why she did.

Maybe we're all not as cruel as the king. Maybe there are people out there who care.

For whatever reason she decided to save me, I'm glad she did.