Love Letters to You [On Hold]

sixteen.

Entry #16
November 9th, 2034

Prim and I are best friends.

I realized I didn't really give you a name, so the girl my father forced me to have sex with is named Prim. She's got really straight blonde hair and matching blue eyes and she's really really nice.

I say we're best friends, even though I've only known her for two days. Her level of awesomeness has surpassed Dana's level of awesomeness, so Dana and I are just friends now. But don't tell Dana that.

Prim's girlfriend is Sarah, and apparently they've already had sex. I don't really know how that's supposed to work because they don't have any of the parts you're supposed to have, but I just let Prim talk about it because Prim loves to talk about it.

My dad thinks that we're a couple, and we've decided to let him think that. He said that he's really proud of me for becoming an adult, and I had no idea how to respond to that, so I didn't. My mom, on the other hand, doesn't like Prim because she comes from a good family. A rich family.

So whenever I invite Prim over, Mom gives me a long blank state before she nods, finally giving up. Because Mom gives up on everything. She gave up fighting for Trent to stay home instead of becoming a soldier. She gave up trying to get Dad to make love to her. And pretty soon she'll give up on me.

Prim always asks me about you. She would say, "have you guys done anything interesting? How do you keep it a secret? Isn't it hard? What does he look like? Is he taller than you? Older? Oh my gosh, is he hot? He must be real lucky to have you as a boyfriend."

I know she's only trying to be nice and courteous, but I don't want to tell her about you. It's none of her business. What we have is our business.

But at the same time, I wanted to tell her about you because I thought we were having a fight. You hadn't talked to me since that night in the woods, so I thought you were mad at me. It's not like I did anything for you to be mad at me, but I was still afraid that you were.

But I couldn't tell Prim about what happened in the woods, even though we were best friends now. I couldn't even tell Dana. None of them would understand. I'm not even sure if I understand.

You're a murderer.

But that term is used loosely nowadays. If people can get away with killing innocent people, then why do I feel bad about you killing a guilty person? Am I a murderer too for just standing there and watching it happen?

Earlier on tonight, you took me by surprise by climbing through my bedroom window. I always keep it unlocked because you're too cool to use the front door like a normal person.

Your dark hair was all tousled like you just woke up, but your green eyes were bright as ever. You weren't wearing a shirt and that stirred feelings inside of me that I didn't even know could be stirred. All I knew is that I suddenly felt hot in that moment.

"Hey, Cal."

"Hey."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it? About what happened in the woods?"

"No."

You stared at me for a long time. "Okay," you smiled at me. "I had an idea, but I wanted to know what you thought of it first."

I plopped down on my bed, preparing myself for whatever you were going to say.

You took a deep breath. "Evaluation is in a couple days and I know you got lucky last time. But you might not be lucky this time, so I think we should skip evaluation. Let's just not go to school that day. I don't wanna go in there and have to worry about if you're going to pass."

I should've known you would have asked something crazy of me, because that's what you always seem to do. "Skip evaluation? I've never skipped evaluation! Isn't there a punishment for that?"

"We can both say we got sick," you suggested. "Besides, a punishment is better than death, don't you think?"

You had a point. "I guess so."

"So, let's skip." You were jumping eagerly in place. "Come on, Cal. Do this for me."

The "for me" part was what really did me in. I would do anything for you and I'm pretty sure you know that. That's why you always come to me with these crazy demands, because you know I'll always give in. You have that effect on me, and I really wish you didn't.

I have these nagging feeling in the back of mind that something terrible is going to happen because of all these crazy things you do. But I don't want to tell you that because you might just get mad. Instead, I just keep my mouth shut and nod because that's what I'm good at.

I want to be with you forever and ever. You might need to make better decisions in order for that happen but I'm not my mom, so I'm not going to give up on you.