Love Letters to You [On Hold]

four.

Entry #4
October 6th, 2034

I'm so sorry I haven't written to you in a while.

And now I'm laughing at myself because I don't think I'm actually writing to you. These journal entries are addressed to you, but I don't want you to ever read them. You'll probably screw your face in disgust and run outside to those police officers who troll around our neighborhood at night.

But if I'm trying to keep myself sane, we can just pretend that you'll actually be reading these someday. And when you're reading, you'll smile and kiss me hard like you always do and tell our kids the story about how we met for the millionth time.

Now I'm just getting a little off topic.

The reason why I haven't written in six days is not because I forgot about you. It's actually the opposite. My mind was filled with way too many thoughts of you that I couldn't write them all down. That would only waste paper and I don't want to ask my mom for another journal because that may seem a little bit gay. And that's the exact thing I'm trying to avoid.

So I took some time away from you in order to collect my thoughts and do you justice. Because you deserve that, don't you think?

In these six days I've been gone, you started school. My mom did everything in her power to make sure I made you feel welcomed, and I did everything in my power to make sure you didn't fall with the wrong cliques at school.

It wasn't that I was worried you might be influenced in the wrong way. You look like the type of person who has their head on right (just one of the many things I like about you). I was just really scared that you might find people who share your interests and totally forget about me. Because let's face it. We have nothing in common.

"Did you get that new video game that came out a couple days ago?" You asked me as we were walking through the school doors. You were wearing a plain white T-shirt with plain black jeans and a plain boring backpack on one shoulder, but you looked anything but plain. You looked handsome and dare I say it, even sexy.

I never used that word before. Like ever.

Once I heard my dad call Megan Fox sexy. I think it's a word you use when you're sexually attracted to someone. It has a different meaning than beautiful or pretty. Anyone can be beautiful, but only some people are sexy, or that's just what my dad tells me.

I don't know if I should fully trust what my dad says. He told me once that he fantasizes about other women that aren't my mom, and he says that it's normal. But maybe that's just because he and my mom don't have sex anymore.

So I've decided that I don't want to fantasize about you. It sounds great and very self pleasing, but it also sounds disrespectful. The last thing I want is to disrespect you.

Now I'm getting off topic again. Can you imagine how jumbled my thoughts were at the beginning of this week?

Anyway, you asked me that question about the new video game. I had no idea what you were talking about, but I didn't want you to know that. "Yeah," I said as I shrugged, pretending it was no big deal.

"Really?" I swear your green eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "I have to come over to play sometime!"

I swallowed heavily. I just dug my own grave. "Yeah sure, but my console is getting fixed. There was some kind of shock in it or something." I don't usually lie, Nate. What is it about you that makes me lie?

You nodded. "Is it true that the holograms are more real than last year?"

I really wish I hadn't opened my mouth, but I couldn't just take back everything I said. "Yeah. They look very lively, like they're in the room with you and everything."

"What about the blood?" You questioned me, and for the first time I really wished you'd stop talking. "Is that real too?"

I glanced up at you because you were just a few inches taller than me. "Blood?"

"Yeah." You stopped walking and looked directly into my eyes I could tell you were very serious about this subject. "We are talking about Destruction 5, right? The game where we get to shoot the heads off gay people?"

My throat went dry. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't even know they had video games that promoted the obliteration of homosexuals. "Oh," I said quietly. "Maybe we're talking about something else."

You laughed it off and nudged me in the side. "That's okay, Cal. I'm getting it for my birthday so when you get your console fixed, we can play it together."

I could feel my stomach twisting but I agreed anyway. "Yeah, okay."

I never want to play that game with you, Nate. I want to be close to you, I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to tell you how much you mean to me.

But I don't ever want to play that game with you.

A/N: I realized I haven't left any author notes for the earlier chapters, so I'm gonna do it now.

I think that I will update this story daily or sometimes even multiple times a day, only because it's so easy to do. But thank you guys so much for reading, and if you like this story then vote and leave a comment!