Love Letters to You [On Hold]

eleven - continued

Entry #11 - continued
October 31st, 2034

I sincerely apologize for that brief pause there.

My dad walked in and wanted to show me his weed collection. You should've seen him! He was so excited about this stupid little green plant that his eyes were open ridiculously wide and he talked about stuff that didn't make sense.

And after he left, I scarfed down a bunch of candy I collected earlier. But now that my sugar rush is almost gone, I'm gonna write again before I forget.

So I left off where I was conflicted between the two choices. Either tell Dana the truth or lie to her and risk the consequences. I decided to tell her the truth, and it made me so nervous to say it. I almost couldn't say it all but some part of me knew I could trust Dana. After all, we weren't best friends for nothing.

"I like Nate," I admitted truthfully as I shut my eyes and waited for her response.

A few brief silent seconds passed and she still didn't say anything. So I opened my eyes and gave her an inquiring look. "Didn't you hear me?"

She blinked a few time as if processing the information. "You like Nate?" She repeated. "As in like like?"

I didn't know there were different types of like, so I just nodded.

"Cal," she said in an extremely stern voice. The same stern voice my father uses when he tells me that aspiring to be a historian is a waste of time and resources. "You can't like him," she told me.

As if I didn't already know! I know that I shouldn't like you because liking you meant putting my life on the line. But I just couldn't help it. No matter how hard I try not to, I always end up thinking of you. Why couldn't Dana understand that?

"Please don't tell anyone," I pleaded with her. "I'm not ready to die."

Dana's brown eyes seemed to grow black as she kept looking at me. I was sure she'd run away and tell the first person she encountered. But she didn't. Instead, she just stood there with a dumb blank look on her face.

"Do you love him?" She finally asked me.

I didn't know exactly how to answer that question. I'm too young to know what love is. At first, I thought love was what my parents had. But my dad sleeps with other women and my mom never looks him in the eye, so if that's love ... Then I don't love you.

But I know that everytime I see you, I want to hug you so tight and never let you go. I know that I want to kiss your soft lips and tell you how much you mean to me. I know I want to spend forever with you. So if that's love ... Then I really. Really. Love. You.

But for Dana's sake, I didn't answer the question. She wouldn't understand anyway.

"Cal," she called out. "If anyone finds out about this, they're going to slaughter you. Then they're gonna go after your family, and me, and Nate. If you want to save lives, then you need to stop feeling whatever you're feeling."

I could feel my hands balling into fists. Didn't she know that I already thought of that? Of course I thought about the consequences. But I just can't help how I feel. "Dana," I said softly, trying to reason with her. "You don't understand."

"Of course I understand," she retorted. "My moms were lesbians. I understand how you feel. But I also understand that you need to stop feeling things for Nate, or else you'll get us all killed."

I didn't respond to her. I had nothing to say. No matter what I said or did, she would always bring me back to reality. Because in reality, gay people were disgusting. They were looked down upon. They were seen as filth.

I'd like to think you don't see me as filth, Nate.

When Dana said goodbye to me tonight, I knew she wasn't going to spread my secret. She was going to try to be the wise one by letting me figure out what to do on my own. Because Dana reads too many Star Wars comics and thinks she always knows the right answer. Even when she's wrong.

When the night was over, I was making my way back to my own house to devour all the candy I collected. And that was when you finally caught up to me and grabbed my hand.

Your hair was all wet and sticking to your forehead like you just took a shower and you were panting very heavily. I never took you to be out of shape, so I figured something else might have caused you to pant so hard.

"What's wrong?" I asked you.

"My friends ... they took me ... to the words ... where they were ... killing people," you said in between breaths.

I furrowed my brows. "What? How?"

"We all decided we were gonna dress up as soldiers for fun. And I thought it was only for fun. But no, they said they wanted to act like the soldiers too. So they captured some people and took them into the woods and they ... they killed them! I don't even think they were homos! They were innocent!"

You wrapped your arms around me and cried into my neck. "I saw the whole thing, Cal. Oh god ... I think I'm gonna..."

Whatever you thought you were gonna do, you did it. All over my favorite Dracula costume.

But I couldn't bring myself to be mad at you. After all, you just experienced a traumatic event and I know I would poop myself if I ever saw that.

So I took off my cape and led you to my house. I didn't want your parents to see you crying, because they might ask questions, so we went to my bedroom where I would make sure you were okay before you went home.

"Thanks, Cal," you said when I handed you a new pair of clothes.

"Yeah," I said for lack of better words.

You just stood there for awhile, just looking around my room and being completely silent. You began to move around circles, letting your eyes roam over the pointless objects in my room.

But then your eyes landed on my journal. "What's this?"

I didn't know what you were referring to until I saw you pick up the black leather book. I've never been a fast runner or anything but I darted across the room and grabbed onto the book.

Unfortunately, you were much taller and much stronger than me. So you pulled the journal out of my hands and opened it to the first page, smiling as you read it over. But once you really started to read it, your smile faded.

I wanted to disappear. Like completely fade from existence. Because now, my life was going to be cut short all because I wasn't careful enough to not leave my journal out in plain sight.

"Nate," I spoke up. "Please don't be mad at me. I knew it was wrong to write, but I did and I don't know why. I'm so stupid! Please don't tell anyone. Please. I'll stop talking to you if you want, but please please please don't tell anyone!"

Your forest green eyes slowly lifted to mine and you snapped the book shut. You advanced towards me with big heavy steps with a growing scowl in your face. I was almost certain that you would hit me and kill me like your friends did in the woods.

But instead, you grabbed onto my face and tugged me closer to you. Your lips crashed onto mine and it felt like the world just melted around us. I've always imagined what kissing you would be like, but it was nothing like I imagined. No, it was a thousand times better!

You smelled like mint, and somehow I knew it was from the mint chocolate cookies I baked you. Your strong arms wrapped around my small waist and you pulled me closer to you, like you were scared of letting me go. And you just kissed me. With all the passion in the world.

And I felt it, Nate.

It was love.

A/N: the gif to the side is of Nate --->