𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 | 𝐒.𝐔.

[009] OPUS 23

  "Oh good god, Please forgive me Selena!" I shut the door behind me, no expression on my face. She crawled over, tugging my coat and nearly running me to the ground, "Won't you just stop! I had a good time tonight and I don't want to deal with your psychopathic antics right now!". I felt a strong migraine coming on, quickly I hurried upstairs and locked my door. The tears would flow relentlessly as the pain consumed me.

I woke up to chiming bells, the pain piercing through my cheek. Groaning I dragged my feet towards the mirror, the sunlight highlighting that degrading bruise. The tips of my mouth folded into a frown, an uncontrollable one. I was such an ugly crier. It was dehumanizing the way I looked in that rotten mirror, so vile. Dropping to my knees, I wailed for my mother. Crying out like a young child. All I needed was a single embrace from her, just a touch that could reassure me she still loved me.

Disgusting. I felt disgusting as I sat at the breakfast table sipping on my stale coffee. The radio played Sleater-Kinney and I could barely open my eyes yet. My pink nightgown was drenched in tears, the collar turned drops of red. In my hands sat a new issue of Seventeen, the cover story about Seattle.

I often wondered how it would feel to leave this life behind. How I'd run away from this town and make it big elsewhere. As much as I could and died to, I had a priority now. Stan, I couldn't run away and leave him behind. Even though I had my bags packed and my mother was away, I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him behind, not after everything he'd done for me. But I needed to escape, I desperately needed to.

The bang on my door made me jump. I leaped out of my seat to attend it. "Who is it?!" My breath shuddered, the sweat dripping down my back. Mother had left to go out drinking earlier last night, I prayed she hadn't awoken from another manic episode. "It's just me 'Lena!" I opened the door and stumbled into his arms.

***

"What happened?..." she sleepily wrapped her arms around my neck as she pulled me inside, shutting the door behind us. "What are you doing here at eight in the morning?" she planted a kiss on my lips and made her way to the kitchen. Her home was dull, not in decoration or materialistic things but the ambiance. It was cold and dark, yet her beautiful aura lit the way.

I passed through the living room, dropping my messenger bag on the couch. On the dusty and chipped coffee table lay a picture of a younger, joyous Selena. It made me warm within to know there was still a trace of that beautiful little girl within those chestnut eyes.

She fixed herself a bowl of cereal as I sat parallel to her, caressing the golden frame of the photograph. She lifted her eyes from the bowl to watch me, I could feel them trail. "What're you doing with that old thing?" I chuckled as reached for it and turned it over onto the table, "You looked adorable...you still are." She came up and wrapped her arms around me, I pressed a kiss on her cheek as she slid down. She jumped, almost flinching out of my arms, "What's that about?". She ignored my question, turning her face and hurrying towards the sink.

I quickly inspected it, running my fingers about it as she pulled away. "It's nothing," the bowl clattered as she pushed it into the sink, "bullshit, who did this to you?". I could see her wiping away tears as she leaned over in immense pain. I rushed to her side, "Who? Hm?". Tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, I redirected her view towards me.

"My Ma'...it's my mother." I took her in my arms, holding her close as she trembled. My hands were tangled in her hair, "Oh but it's not her fault! I provoke her! It's my fault I know it is!". It was exasperating, being unable to help as she wailed relentlessly. "You know it's not. Why don't we just get you together? You think I could help you, hm?" she nodded.

I ran the sponge up and down her back, she whimpered at every bruise. The water filled our silence and the pink bathroom tile a witness to our suffering. "Do you wanna, maybe, get away this weekend?" she laid her head on my knee, "I want to be forgotten." We sighed in unison, however I was already conducting a master plan.

"Where are you kidnapping me to?" she slammed the trunk of the car, her fur coat flapping in the wind. "Wherever the road takes us, darling," I slung my arm around her, "and no one needs to know. Just us two." She giggled and slumped into my front seat. It was visible the way the tension slid off her shoulders and dissipated into bleach. The first breath of fresh air in a long run.

        ***

Two hours into a painstakingly long drive and we were both starving, my father's prestigious Porsche was trashed in fast-food wrappers. "Fornication makes you happy, no escape from society, natural's not in it!" to my saving, Selena had brought her tape collection along with her which now consisted of more alternative rock from the past decade.

"How come I haven't heard you speak of Kathleen Hanna in months?" I nudged her, taking a quick break from the road. "Well, Uris, things are a-changin', the way they usually do for me." She grabbed my cheek and kissed it, "Thank you."

By dawn, she was fast asleep in my backseat. My eyelids fluttered but I dare fall asleep. We only had a few more hours until' Cape Cod but I was drowsy and my stomach rumbled, I had to pull over desperately. The air was drag and the whispers in my mind ridiculed me once again, I needed sleep before I began to reflect on my life.

I parked and silently slid into the backseat, resting my head against the window and she recognized my breathing. Her petite figure slanted onto mine, she seemed peaceful for once. I wrapped an arm around her and she cooed like a child. How could a boy like me, so sheltered and discouraged from the outside world end up curled against someone so outspoken and kick-ass? Maybe we were the right people but something within me felt it wasn't the right time.

She was so ready for the world, she couldn't wait to escape and live and feel the joy that this life could provide and cry the tears it inflicts. However, my clock was frozen in time. I was terrified of what was out there, I was startled by every touch and kiss and heartbeat. She wanted to be forgotten and run off into the haze. I wanted to stand still and sob until I could no longer bear waking up. Paralyzed in fear. That is how I'd been living but now she wanted to pull me out of my ways and my confidence was coming short. I don't want to change and I don't want to live, I'm fine taking a moment of silence.

A/N,

these past few chapters have been incredibly long i know and i am BEYOND sorry ! plus i feel like they're sorta bland so please leave some feedback or something i need to know if y'all are actually enjoying this or if it's shit. either way happy holidays to those who celebrate i hope y'all are having an amazing time. lots of love and joy, s. 🤍