in which, selena amorim has never had an easy life, yet when she finds herself crossing paths with an old acquaintance, the first glimpses of hope shine through. as the seasons change, their lives take tumultuous turns and their feelings burn. will...
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"This. This is what life should be, forever and always." I sat in the field, the shoreline visible from all these miles away. Salt air tipping my sun hat away from me, the regal tule bow flapping in the wind. Abandonedly, I strolled mindlessly through the towering foliage. It felt so endless, so effortlessly joyous. With every feeling of the thin grass against my skin, I became more enamored with this new taste of life. Life could be so much more than enmity, death, and solace. Now, I truly had it in my grasp.
Every tingling burning of the sun reviving me from my previous winter. Heavy sighs escaped me as the snow melted into spring and my head spun endlessly in this reverie. It was so free, so gorgeous. Decadent and spacious, the world was truly in my hands as i frolicked around. My laughter abundant after many years of silence. I tumbled onto the grass and spread my arms out, grabbing and feeling everything alongside me. That beautiful, pale sun hat covering my face as my laughter resumed. It was a comfortable silence unlike one id ever known, one that captivated me in its shocking peace while filling me with the hectic noises of fluttering birds. How I wished he'd be beside me now to experience such beauty and feel this heat reflect off his skin, he'd probably label me insane for being infatuated with such simple scenery. The truth was, i'd never known something so grounding.
Giggling, I hurried through the small capeside town. Window shopping at stores I knew I'd never afford, the workers giving me dirty glances for the cheap fabric of my white sundress. However, I didn't have time to mind their dissuading games. I was enraptured as I spun through that peaceful, summer town. The sun was brighter than ever and the breeze carried me away. I couldn't wait to spend every waking moment exploring with him.
At noon, the sun cut through my skin as I soaked all of it up. I lay partially under the shadow of dogwood tree, yet largely exposed to the ravishing sun. "It's really nice 'Lena, you sure you don't want to jump in?" I nodded "no" as I grinned, his large t-shirt covered all the inconsistencies in my body. Recently i'd found us in more compromising situations, ones were intimate moments were becoming more and more relevant. Wether it was tracing scars or exploring nude skin, sooner or later I know i'd have to face my body and I was terrified.
Although my confidence had gone up in the slightest rank, I was still as self-conscious and afraid of my body as id been before. With the fall coming up I knew it'd be relatively easier to hide my body and that gave me some sort of comfort. I took a glance at the gleaming water, then his relaxed daze. Those golden locks of his, beaming the sun off them as he submerged himself in the freezing water. I tilted my head to watch as he captivated me once again.
Running out of the lake, he shook himself off like a dog as I shrieked. He took me in his arms despite my protests and carried me off into the water. My body shivered as the headache wore off, the cool water washing away my sorrows. Alleviating the despondency deep within my soul, returning me to a childlike state. The evening was spent under trees, reading books with wet hands, pondering mankind, and picnic dates.
With the nightfall came a new tension, I wore my best clothes. A secondhand tank top with a pair of blue jeans, my hair however was strengthened for once. Being away from that God-forsaken home of mine allowed me to be a bit more playful and comfortable than what was expected from me. He sat in his Ralph Lauren cardigan as we ate from takeout boxes on the wooden floor in the loft. "I don't ever want to think of Derry again," he passed the blunt my way as the stereo played New Order, "seriously if I have to deal with my father forcing me to work at the synagogue, I think I might end it all." I slurped the last of my Chow Mein and hurried to take a puff, "I say we run away and make love in some far off land." Blowing the smoke out, I kneeled closer to kiss him.
"I wish we could," I slouched in his lap as his hands wandered in my hair, "i've got so much to attend to, you've got more pressing matters." I furrowed my brows in confusion, the only pressing matter I had at home was not knowing if i'd fit into my clothes tomorrow, "like what? Randy's? he's probably fired me by now." He rolled his eyes as he leaned over to caress my skin, "My father won't approve of you, even my mother can't change his hard-headed ways." The words tediously left his mouth, interrupting my dying laughter.
The apprehension grew within me, "He's not the one who has to approve of me, you are...something tells me you're not too sure of me yourself." I rose on my feet, my head dangling in shame. "If it was my choice, we'd be together for the rest of all time." I felt an ache sting at my eyes but I gulped and quickly removed myself from the situation before I could bare my tears to him. His boots stomped up the stairs as I slammed the door to a bedroom I'd never known. There I sat, crying against the wooden door as he pleaded for my return, once again I was outcasted.
Hearing the bedroom door click, I lifted myself off the ground as she emerged from the dark room. Her eyes were heavy and reddened as she ran a hand through her tough curls. "Why would you isolate me from everything I know, just to tell me I'm not ideal for you?" the cracks in her voice made my heart stop. That wasn't my intention and she knew it. I didn't mean to be pessimistic but Selena and I wouldn't mix, no matter how well we got along and how deep in love we seemed to be it was all doomed the moment my father found out. My loving mother had agreed to help me keep it under wraps with my father, knowing his drastic ways, this new beginning would be doomed the moment my father became aware.
I had been promised off since the moment of my birth, soon enough I'd be chained to Derry suburbia forevermore. It was nothing against my beliefs I was anything but ashamed of my religious upbringing, yet that fire for "more" burned within me. Escaping my family had always been the backbone of my existence and the last thing I wanted Selena to feel like was a scapegoat.
"Lena, I may have worded myself wrongly but I do love you more than anything this world has ever offered me," I took her hands in mine, my fear melting as her eyes carved into me once again, "So, why do you deny me? You certainly don't care about what your father thinks, or at least you haven't until now." She was right, this was more than superficial. Deep within me I knew I was terrified of what would follow the beginning of a new relationship. Considering I had never been in one, I didn't know what to expect. Selena seemed so knowledgeable, so ready and I felt left behind by what seemed like her impeccable speed.
"I'm sorry Sel, I'm not ashamed of you and I never will be." I could feel her rejecting my embrace yet I continued because I needed it. I needed the reassurance i'd be able to see through my meticulous ways and keep her close. A few sniffles escaped her as she remained silent, "Trust me when I say, i'm just as terrified as you are, but I refuse to give up on you. No matter who thinks what of us." She pulled away, "i'll be off to bed now, I need the rest".
I watched her disappear into the shadow of the darkened room once again, this time following her in. "Let me at least help you settle," she nodded no as she shut the door. Yearning for her touch, I made my way towards the guest room where I had accommodated my belongings. On my bed lay her copy of Little Women, the window behind it still open from our discussion earlier this afternoon, allowing the midnight breeze to flow through. Effortlessly, the tears burnt through my eyes as they made their way down my cheeks. I felt the doorframe creak as I hastily wiped the remnants of my weakness away. Her silhouette stood at my door, "Would you lay with me awhile?" She murmured almost as if shamed.
We lay entwined, fervid as she swept the hair off my face and softly grinned. I let a heavy sigh escape me as I intertwined our hands, pulling her warm body closer to mine. My head spun rapidly, the scent of amber intoxicating me. I bit my lip but the ache in my throat escaped through tears, rolling down my cheeks at a steady pace as she drifted off to sleep underneath the covers. Silently, I let grief evaporate and for the first time the weight of a million burdens was lifted. I knew I would be alright.
