in which, selena amorim has never had an easy life, yet when she finds herself crossing paths with an old acquaintance, the first glimpses of hope shine through. as the seasons change, their lives take tumultuous turns and their feelings burn. will...
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I couldn't breathe, I was bathed in sweat as I awoke from a deep sleep. My eyelids fluttered and I grabbed the analog clock, squinting my eyes I made out the time, three-twenty A.M.
In the bathroom, I rubbed my eyes as the yellow light struggled to stay on. Flickering with every passing moment, yet I was frozen. My reflection was nearly unrecognizable, who was the man staring across at me? Because he certainly was a stranger.
Almost as if an alarm, the phone rang and I rushed over to quiet it. For a second I fell into a trance-like state, wondering who could be behind the other end awaiting my words. With a heavy sigh, I gently put the phone up to my ear, "Hello?". My voice was groggy and I was extremely drowsy, I felt like I was slowly melting into nothingness.
"Stan?" that familiar, taut voice rang through my mind. Instantly I was overcome with anxiety, causing me to glue myself onto the bed. Without saying a word, I rummaged through my nightstand drawer to find my latest pack of Reds and my golden lighter. "Yeah, Who is this?" I knew exactly who it was and I was terrified.
"Lena, It's Lena," The static entwined in her voice was a familiar comfort which i'd missed for very long. "I need to explain something, I need you to understand this silence of mine." My heart dropped as if losing its balance upon a tight rope. The night of truth had come once and for all, i'd have to swallow my words until she spoke.
The light flickered below my cigarette as the paper slowly burnt. I sighed with relief, allowing the smoke to soothe me as I laid on my back once more. "Enlighten me," The ashes fell onto my bedsheets as I tapped the cig between my fingers, "i've been dying to know anyways."
"I never meant to exile you, this is all some big misunderstanding." I was completely out of it as I listened to her ramble, there was a strange knot of fear and angst tying in my stomach. The bottle was ready to blow. "What I mean is, My mother found out about all this and...It was terrible." She broke down in tears, yet I didn't feel much. It was selfish of me listening to her sob like this and not say or feel anything but I couldn't seem to relate.
"Is it because of Patricia?" I put out the cigarette and lit another like clockwork. The bitter nature of those words sunk in like poison, I was rather pissed she'd only mind me after I was ready to take a step in the right direction.
"Oh you know i'm not like that! Of course not, I don't even know her!" the sudden rift in her voice awoke me. I thought about earlier today, how honest and vulnerable she'd been with me about her past experiences, and how seen and appreciated I'd felt. I liked Patricia, she made me feel like I had someone.
"I don't know you, Selena. I don't know who you are. Goodnight." I slammed the phone down and slowly dragged myself towards the window, opening it up to let the smoke out. What the fuck was happening? What had I said? I didn't recall anything I'd just spoken, yet I didn't mind. I left it to time to tell.
Flopping back onto my bed, I stashed the cigarettes once more and flipped on the radio, making sure it was low. Fleetwood Mac filled the room, I fell into a deeper trance than ever before. Drifting slowly, not knowing where I was going, not knowing wether i'd be alright, but knowing there was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
***
Richie and I sat at Bill's dining table. Wrapped up in our coats as chilly breeze swept in through the window. It was a rather windy, dark day and we had no energy whatsoever to make it to school.
"I'm telling you all, we should skip today. It ought to rain anyways, If it rains we might just freeze." Bill laughed at Richie's comment, he placed a plate of burnt toast before us. "W-we c-c-an't skip, my m-mother would k-kill me!" he sat beside me as we dug into the bread.
Mrs.Denbrough came down the staircase carrying a load of dirty clothing. "Boys, It's almost eight! Time to go!" she flashed us a sweet smile almost as if kicking us out and made her way to the laundry room. Richie rolled his eyes as he grabbed his bag from behind him and I chuckled.
"Got any cancer-sticks?" He rummaged through his bag before looking up at me. The sun was tucked behind a bunch of voluminous clouds as the wind became stronger and stronger. "I was hoping you'd have. I smoked them up last night, haven't been able to buy without anyone noticing for a while." While I fidgeted with my lighter, Bill read from his book and Richie whistled the intro tune to The Andy Griffith Show.
"Wait," Richie stopped dead in his tracks causing me to turn my attention to him and Bill to stick his nose out from his book. "How come you smoked them all up? I thought you rationed?" he was referring to the way I stored and smoked my cigs, I often tended to limit myself in order to avoid addiction and lack of supply. Although it was painstakingly obvious I was hooked.
"Had a stressful night." Once again the flame danced along my fingers, "How come?" he inquired as he inched closer to me. "None of your business, Richie. Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong." My Maine accent nearly leaping out of my throat as I shoved him. "W-What's the m-m-matter?" Bill and his childlike tone broke my defenses down, "it's nothin' alright? Just," I felt the sigh travel all the way up to my chest as I huffed it out, "Girl troubles."
I felt Richie roll his eyes back into his head and Bill chuckled. "Since when are you so popular with the ladies?" He shut his book as I side-eyed him, hoping they'd both drop the topic. "Gentlemen, I'd love to continue this conversation but i've got women waiting for me and i'd rather rush my way there." Richie began walking backwards, lowering his voice to match my tone. "Drop it alright?!" the giggles subsided as their faces fell flat, "I'll catch up with you two later, see ya." Bill muttered as he walked ahead of us.
"Patricia or Selena?" he shoved my arm back as I scoffed at him, "Would you stop wigging out? They're just girls." We went silent as he crossed his arms, giving me a stern look. "Selena.." my hands went clammy at the thought of her, "I'll be fine, let's get to school."
The wind picked up once more, ravishing us as we walked in scrutinizing silence. Richie was biting his tongue back as if not to ramble and I was biting my own to not speak on my faults.
***
As I sat in fourth period, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on a conversation with Selena and some boy who sat directly in front of her. That airy tone, the way she could make every word feel sensual. I longed for the small talk again, yet last night I'd reciprocated her actions. What a sour thing to do.
When I turned away, I could feel her eyes observing my every movement. Closing my own, I slumped into my chair wishing I was elsewhere. Maybe in my fucked up room that I hadn't had the energy to clean in months, maybe that Cape Cod home where I lost my virginity, or perhaps nowhere at all. Yes, that was comforting. Nowhere at all.
