in which, selena amorim has never had an easy life, yet when she finds herself crossing paths with an old acquaintance, the first glimpses of hope shine through. as the seasons change, their lives take tumultuous turns and their feelings burn. will...
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The four of us sat in Bill's bedroom as the sun went down. It was far too chilly to run around town and converse as we usually did. Richie had snuck in the liquor from his parents cabinet and he was currently working on finishing the bottle of scotch, seated next to him was Eddie with a repulsed expression. Working on a Rubik's cube was Bill, he laid next to my frozen body. I lay on my back, watching the ceiling cracks, wishing I was elsewhere.
"So, why did I have to cover for you a few ago?" Richie dropped the bottle, it clattered against the linoleum floor causing me to sit up in bed. "What?" memories of her peaceful daze as she fell fast asleep within my arms filled my mind. I was burning to feel her close to me again. It'd been at least two weeks since we had last been together when I dropped her off at her home, I'd called relentlessly but much to my dismay it always went straight to the tone.
Maybe she'd been different since that weekend, I had become rather optimistic than usual and i'd spent my afternoons reading poetry about beautiful greek women and their lovers, while occasionally birdwatching. I felt reborn, I felt a new sense of maturity I'd never felt before.
I understood if I had enough guts to take part in such mature actions, I must reflect that in every bit of my being, I had to step up to the plate. Although my father had spent most of his life, and money, convincing me to lend him a hand at the synagogue I refused. I wanted to be the furthest possible from lurking in the dark and uncertain shadows of my father. So instead, I took a part time at the library, which truly was just an excuse to see Lena. Yet she hadn't shown up, not at the library for her usual seven o'clock shift, not at Randy's diner for her daily two-fifty to four-thirty shift. As a matter of fact, she hadn't been for nearly two weeks.
I had enough time to form theories; maybe she didn't like it, maybe she was just startled as I was, or worst of all, I had caused her to shy away. Whatever it was, it was making me insecure and highly troubled.
Slipping out of my thoughts I muttered, "Something came up, I had to escape a while. Thank you." Her laugh reverberated as my hands caressed her sensitive skin, I needed to see her again. "I'm guessing the notorious 'Lena is involved in some of this?" he kicked the bottle across the floor and it hit the wall causing all of us to awake suddenly.
"To rephrase," I sighed deeply with the urge to roll my eyes at his comments, "she needed some time away, she was hitting rock bottom at home. I was worried so-" The drunken, dark haired boy sat across from me on the bed as Bill watched and chuckled.
His jaw dropped, his arms spread and slapped onto my shoulders, "So, you totally did her!" he shrieked in a high octave as all three of them laughed in unison. "That's not true!" even if it was true, that was a degrading form of putting it, yet I couldn't help but laugh. "Look at him! He's laughing! Because he got laid!" Richie threw his heavyweight body onto me sucking the air out of my torso. His hand slapped onto my back as he drunkenly laughed, Bill joined in and Eddie readied himself to educate us on a statistic. Yet he didn't, he simply gave me a pat on the back as we heartily croaked until our ribs hurt.
***
My hair was gone. I looked down at the auburn curls in my sink being taken by the running water, this was surely to get me a beating. The buzzing bathroom light barely allowed me to see my reflection on the taped up mirror across from me. The box of black dye was thrown in the trash can beside me as Aubrey Hepburn bangs spilt across my forehead. I was reinvented, yet my struggle was still there.
The phone rang. My heart fell for a split second, I knew who it was. I had neglected him so badly since that night. When Momma wasn't pleased with my answer as to where I was, she did as she usually did, physically reprimanded me. This time, however, she used her fist and it collided with my temple. After knocking me unconscious, she became enraged and the next morning I woke up in my bed with an aching body so strong that I spent the day screaming.
For two weeks I wasn't allowed out. It was a punishment for running off with a boy, and when she eventually found out, for being "impure" as she had put it. Once she found out I was no longer her madonna she had yet another fit of rage and ended up yanking my grandmother's rosary off my neck. Sending the rose beads sprawling all over the floor as the thread left dark lacerations on my neck.
The punishment was not only a form of controlling my communication and actions within the outside world, it was also a form of covering up the bloody crimes she'd committed against her very own daughter. My mother was almost as quick witted as I was, she knew she couldn't possibly send me to work or school in such a condition. For those two weeks she played some role of a twisted nurse and attempted to take care of me but I wouldn't allow it. I was forbidden to answer the phone, most times I'd sob while it rang. The extreme physical pain intoxicated within the emotional distress only worsened my situation.
Speeding to my room, I gently picked it up, not only was I in pain but I was beyond anxious. "Selena?..." his voice washed the relief over me, "Yes?" I concealed my sniffles, if he overheard I'd be giving myself away it was far too unfair for him to deal with my problems. "Hello, I don't know why you haven't been answering lately but I wanted to call to check in. Is everything alright?" Silent tears were quickly wiped away as the weight of wanting fell into me. It was such a heavy weight that it dragged every inch of my being and made it rather heavy to breathe. The heat of the burning fireplace beside me against the cool air of the rainy night made me slightly delirious.
"Uh, yes, y-yes everything's fine! I've just been so ill, I think I've caught the flu of some sort! My arms are so weak I can barely hold this phone up to my ear now." The phone went dead silent for a moment, "Oh...well are you feeling any better?". I knew he wasn't convinced, he would most definitely try to come over and save the day like he'd tried recently.
Oh but I would've loved that. How I wished he would take me away from this clouded landscape. To whisk me off to a deserted home somewhere far from this pain and anguish, just the two of us, endlessly entwined and never growing older.
"I've been feeling better, yes, I'm expected to return to normal tomorrow. We'll chat then, alright? Buh-Bye for now!" with a chime, I dropped the phone. I could feel his disgust breaking from within as the dial tone sprung throughout his ears. The last thing I wanted was to cultivate a hatred within his soul, It would only pressure him to walk away. And that, would be the end of me.
The front door clicked as I slipped in between my satin sheets. The shade of my walls were no longer a bright pink, they were dull and grey, the portraits of River Phoenix and Sleater-Kinney faded into apathetic walls. My life had been completely flipped off it's feet, I remained the victim. The bags under my eyes sucked the last drops of life out of me and my now black hair suited my fading, newly pale skin.
I wanted him beside me desperately, he always knew how to make me feel safe. This wasn't an environment I would survive in, that I knew. No matter how much I prayed and hoped I'd live through this, it didn't seem possible. So to transport me to a divine place, I shut my eyes and wrapped my arms around my waist the way he would've, the well within my soul breaking loose as I muttered my cries. Premonitions of sobs filled my mind, there was so much left to live, so much left out of my reach.
a/n!
another filler...yikes ik but bare with me pleasee i'm working tirelessly to finish up on all these new chapters ! thank you so much for all the support wahhhh 🥲 ily xx
