𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 | 𝐒.𝐔.

[008] VARSITY BLUES

     "Ben has this big game tonight, he thought it might be a good idea for me to invite you." I shut my locker and turned to him, "well, could you give me a ride?" I asked. The halls were decked in blue and white strings with multicolored signs screaming on about school spirit. The whole student body was riled up for tonight, our football team had been working their ass off all summer.
       I was finally becoming widely accepted, I'd managed to falsify my way into some sort of decent popularity. i'd been hanging out with his friends and they made me feel at home. On weekdays, Richie and Beverly would crowd my porch and we'd study over cups of tea. As the weather grew cooler and the leaves turned golden, Saturday mornings were reserved for strolls throughout Derry. Hand in hand with Stan as we sipped on coffee, the chilly wind making our noses pink.
     Sometimes, we'd stay after school with Mike to watch Ben practice. The rest of us took up most of the old bleachers on the field and when the sun fell we'd bundle up in Eddie's extra sweaters. Needless to say, all of his practice had paid off as he'd become an alumni player in a short few months. "You know...that Porsche is my father's, I don't think he'll appreciate the gesture." He swung his arm around me as we walked to Pre-Calculus, the only class we had together due to our unfortunate schedule. "Fine," I grunted while stomping my foot, "we'll walk!". He kissed me, grinning from ear to ear. His joy radiated throughout me as his kiss deepened. Never had I felt a joy so large, a joy that burned me from the inside out and transformed me into someone new. Someone able to give love and be loved with no fear.
       "Do you guys know how many germs you just swapped?" Eddie's falsetto following our display of affection. "Alright, keep it moving Kaspbrak!" Stan playfully slapped the back of his head and the boys fooled around into the classroom. After the bell rang, I took off for PE with Beverly by my side. After so many years of solitude, her warm welcomes took some getting used to. This was true paradise, as long as I was out with my new friends I didn't have to worry about the cruel entity that awaited me at home.

       

                                          ***

       That rococo vanity had been fading for centuries now but I could still catch a glimpse of myself in the shattered mirror. The lyrics of some holiday carol rolled off my tongue, harmonizing with every note on the radio. Over the years I'd become accustomed to finding methods to escape this somber reality of mine, singing was my favorite. It ran naturally through me like a winding river and kept me at inner peace when I was knocked off my two feet. Which, may I mention, was often.
     My ambiguous household would hold me from reaching my goals. Although this wasn't entirely true, a portion of my fear was deeply rooted in myself. It was easier to blame my upcoming than the person I'd become. However, I shunned those thoughts away making sure I could leave some optimism for tonight. Keeping it casual and warm, as the night was extremely chilly, I layered my turtleneck and my late father's cream utility coat atop it. Those Auburn curls I'd acquired from him, tied up at the crown of my head.
     Not a day went by I didn't think of him, the few precious memories I had were fading quickly but they brought a certain fuzzy warmth to my heart. One that could not be replicated. I knew the reason for her sorrow and eternal winter was the death of my father. My widowed mother, warm at first, gradually became embittered and my estranged sister would flourish in the light of a low and tumultuous life. A path that would eventually lead to her disappearance.
  I strung on his favorite necklace and hurried past the front door, my mother following behind me, "Where do you think you're going? You have one too many chores left undone in this house." I stopped in my tracks taking a second to breathe, "I have plans tonight." The fear in my body arose, most of my limbs gone numb. She stormed towards me, grabbing me by the shoulder. "Don't!" my whimper wouldn't stop her from bruising my cheek, the ache running throughout my body, Burning like a hot stove. Her pleas for my return filled my ears but i wouldn't pay it any attention, rage took over my body.
     Drying my tears, I took off from the porch and walked the long road to Stan's house. Shakily, I reached for the compact mirror in the pocket of my coat and took a glance at my façade. Fixing myself up to greet his mother as I knocked on the Victorian door. "Selena!" the warmth practically radiating off her, she took me in a tight embrace. He was so blessed to have such a wonderful mother. "Andrea" my muffled mutters were stuffed into her fleece jacket as she held me close.
    "Did you want to come in?" I stepped into their home. A real home, full of love and respect, the way my home should've been. I didn't bring up my home life in any way, not around Stan or his parents or anyone who knew me. The last thing I would want is for any of them to feel my sorrow. It was irrelevant when I was away. "Where are you kids headed tonight?" I shuffled off my coat, "Ben's big football game, Richie's offered to give us a ride but Stan and I agreed to meet beforehand." She flashed a bright smile, "I didn't know that was tonight?! Reminds me of when Donald and I used to go out, seems like just yesterday." Her voice trailed off into a darker place but I dare question it. Andrea had treated me like the daughter she'd never had and it was a mind-blowing feeling.
      "Won't ya look who it is?!" her hands lifted to her hips and she dawned a playful pout as he came down the wooden stairs, "Stan the man." She pinched his cheeks as he gave her a tight squeeze, "Alright, Ma', Lena and I ought to be heading out." They giggled and she planted a kiss on his forehead, "have fun!". He shut the front door behind us, wrapping his scarf around his neck, "you're such a momma's boy." He nudged me, visibly embarrassed. He took my hand in his, "let's get going before Richie leaves us."

                

                                         ***

        We slid into the backseat of Tozier's car, the cigarette smoke omnipresent as usual. "No making out in the backseat folks!" his joke did not erupt any laughter whatsoever (they usually performed terribly anyway), we were packed into his car like farm animals in a stable. Selena was seated on my lap as I attempted to remain calm. Squeezed in the middle was Eddie, complaining about his lack of breath and how disgustingly close we were to each other. To the far left sat Bill and Mike, discussing tonight's game and shushing Eddie. In the glorified front seat sat Beverly, playing the air guitar as Siouxsie and the Banshees blasted from the stereo.
     Richie could not be trusted to drive yet here we were, a simple five-minute drive turned into a nail-biting sixteen minutes of chaos. When he did park, he completely scratched the bumper of the car behind us to no surprise whatsoever. "I bet he won't even notice," he shrugged the accident off as if it was a simple interaction, "I know he won't." Selena erupted in laughter, causing an uncontrolled smile on my face.
      We climbed up the bleachers and sat at the very top amongst most of the student body and a few parents scattered around. "Don't sit close to Bowers, we don't know what he might try." Beverly helped me up onto the last seat, "He won't try shit." I reassured her which was a hollow attempt at making myself feel sure he wouldn't terrorize me. I knew he could greatly humiliate me in front of Selena and that was my worst fear.
     She moved in close to me, visibly freezing. "God, why'd we have to sit up here! It's freezing!" she shook her legs our and I laughed taking her under my arm. "I'll keep you warm," I wrapped my torn-up red scarf around her neck, "this will do." She sweetly kissed me, "I might need a bit more." Every moment within her universe was a moment drifting in space, delirium time. Pure ecstasy at its finest, never had I been so captured by a woman the way she had done.
    The first whistle blew and we cheered all night for Ben. Richie would run back and forth for snacks now and then, striking up conversations with parents about their no-good children. Eddie and Beverly would cheer as loud as they could, stomping their feet and hollering. Bill and I would analyze the technique as a bored Selena would converse music with Mike, actually paying attention at certain parts of the game.
     Seeing her cheer and shout, enjoying herself as she always should be, brought a certain glow to my heart. Her childlike attitude brought me back to better days. Sunny Sunday mornings spent playing and exploring around town or being cradled in my mother's arms as a young child in search of comfort. She brought many sweet memories with her unforgettable laugh and raspy tone. It was a silver-white winter melting to spring within my heart and soul, a widely noticeable and praised change.  Lena would be the life and death of me and proudly...I'd let her be the center of my universe.