It had been a couple of weeks since Alex and I started dating or rather got into a relationship and to be honest it was great. He really was good to me. We had gone on more dates; to the movies, a picnic, dinner, brunch, lunch, bowling. We have almost done it all. He has been coming around the house more often and James has become more scarce.
The last time I saw him was a week ago and he looked like he wasn't taking care of himself much. I wanted to talk to him but all he did was look at me with disgust and my ego wouldn't let me approach him. Alex had just dropped me off, we were coming from a study date because tomorrow I had to go write a calculus exam.
I finally saw James and my heart just broke. I missed him. He was getting into his room when I said
"James can we talk?"
"What do you want to talk about?" He asked
"You!" I said
"Okay I'll be in your room in a sec."
He dropped of his bag and came into my room.
"So what do you want?" He asked
"Well I just wanted to know if you were doing alright. I mean you have kinda let yourself go. You smell like you haven't showered in a while and you definitely need a haircut. You are barely eating and I can tell you are overtraining. You are losing weight. I'm concerned." I said
"I'm going through a breakup" that's all he said.
"A breakup? Do you want to talk about it?" I asked
"No Erin I don't" he says
"Why? All I'm trying to do is help you." I said
"I don't need your help" he barks
"Yes you do, look at you." I said
"I said I don't need your help Erin"
"For fucksake. Why do you always have to be difficult?" I asked frustrated
"I'm not you just don't mind your business" he retorts
"It's because I care about you, you dumb fake. I can't see you like this it breaks my heart." I answered honestly.
"Worry about Alex okay" he simply says
"I'm not going to worry about him because he's fine. You're the one who needs help" I state
"That makes one of us" he says
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what has been said" he scoffs
I sigh then says
"James I care about you. If you won't talk about it to me then talk to Mom."
I give up.
"I can't talk about it to Mom because how am I going to tell her that I fell in love with you and although I've tried so much to fall out of love I seem to fall deeper? How can I tell her that I let you go because that what's best for you but it's tearing me apart? How can I tell her that I'm dying....dying of jealousy watching Alex basically live my life, the life I've always wanted? Having what I wanted with you. How do I tell her that your happiness with him is torture to me? How do I tell you that I don't want you to be happy with anyone who isn't me?" He ranted
"So no Erin I don't what to talk about my breakup because the girl whom I'm mopping over has moved on with someone else and she doesn't care how I feel about it. She is happy, my mopping doesn't matter to her"
I was sitting across him and I could hear the pain in his voice but I was angry. I was beyond furious. How dare he make this seem like I abandoned him? This is what he does, he makes you feel guilty about what he did as if you were in the wrong. He makes it seem like all his wrong decisions were made by you and now he's suffering the consequences of your actions. No I am not about to be manipulated.
"Listen James and listen closely. I didn't choose this life you chose it for me that day you broke up with me. The day you left me. The day you started ignoring me and abandoning me. You did this is.-"
"Yeah whatever" he said and stood from where he sat going towards the door.
"This is why you will always be a coward. When you were supposed to fight for me you ran. Now we finally talking and getting somewhere you are walking away. You know what fuck you. Walk away and don't stop until you're in your fucking room. Dick." I said as I pushed him out of my room and slammed the door shut.
I felt the burning tears stream down my cheeks and that broke me. How dare he accuse me of not caring? He was the one avoiding me. How does he have so much power over me? How could he? I broke down. I fell to the ground and started hyperventilating. My door swung open and my mom barged in. She ran to me and said
"Sweetie come on repeat after me 1"
"1"
"8"
"8"
"76"
"76"
"3"
"3"
And with that I calmed down. My anger always got the best of me.
"You want to talk about it?" She asked
"No" I answered
"Okay" she said as she hugged me and held me tight.
I had been meeting a therapist every week since my panic attack and it was helping. My nightmares weren't as frequent and I managed my anger well most of the time. She held me in her arms as if het life depended on it. The warmth she gave me provided comfort and without warning my tears escaped my eye and drenched her blouse but she didn't care. All she said was
"I'm right here baby. I'm right here. I'm with you and I'll stay as long as you need me to."
I just cried.
#####
After my panic attack mom went downstairs to make me something to eat so that I could take my meds. I sat by the stairs and just watched the main door.
Dad walked in and immediately mom ran into his arms. She started weeping and dad was stroking her hair as he shoshed her softly.
"What's wrong babe?" He asked
"It's our little girl. Something is wrong and she won't tell me. Maybe she'll talk to you. She had another attack today a-" she couldn't finish her statement as she started crying again.
I felt a tear stream down my cheek and I wiped it. I needed to stop hurting because I wasn't just hurting by myself I was hurting mom and dad too. The only way to do that is if James stopped hurting.
###############
Olly here
sorry for publishing and unpublishing Wattpad didn't post a chapter had to correct it
YOU ARE READING
I will always love you
Romance'Who do you belong to?' he asked as he breathed down on my neck. He had me pinned to the wall. I watched him as his hand slowly moved from above me to place it on my neck. My breathing hitched, I had never had someone turn me on this quick. As his h...
