James POV
I shut the door behind me and storm to my room, pacing around to try and calm down. I told her the truth. This was way harder than I initially thought it would be. Erin had replaced me so easily with Alex. She didn't even take time. I know I hurt her but it was for the best. Well, her best because this break up is tearing me apart. I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
I miss her. I miss the way her laugh fluttered my ears. I always want her to laugh because her laugh is weird, sometimes she snorts a little. She doesn't know that she does that. I miss her snickering when I asked her if she stole my t-shirts. She would pretend that wearing my t-shirts was unheard of. I miss her smile. The way it shone even when she cried, she smiled. It was a beautiful broken smile.
I miss watching her. She would do things with me in the room and I kept my eyes on her. She either was oblivious to it or she knew and didn't mind. She would sit in front of the mirror and tie her hair five times before she gave up and just tied it the way she had the first time. She would read a book on her beanbag eating an apple. To me it seemed as if this was the first time ever I saw someone do that very thing. I should have painted her.
She's captivating.
I miss how she would run her hands through my hair. She always made it messy but it was so relaxing. I fell asleep a couple of times while she played with my hair.
I miss how she ran her fingers cross my face. She would outline all my features with her fingertip, paying close attention to every single detail on my face.
I miss how she would kiss me randomly. It wouldn't even be on the lips. It could have been on my cheek, my neck, my nose and one time my arm. Her kisses would be gentle and soft as if, if she had applied a lot more pressure I would break.
It was the vulnerability I had around her that I miss most. After her I haven't been able to open up to anyone.
She made me better.
Yet all I knew how to do was hurt her.
All I did was call Natalie every time we argued. I had to bring a third person into the equation. I had to lose her trust when she gave it to me countless times. Even when I last hurt her she was willing to forgive me but I was selfish. I had made up my mind and I wasn't willing to think about her feelings after my wonderful decision, because I knew I was doing the right thing.
It was all for her.
Yet it hurts so much to watch her move on so swiftly with someone else.
Alex calls her so often and he always makes sure that she's okay and doesn't need anything. I never did that. Alex takes her out and they study together. I took her out one time. She looks happier.
She is being treated the way she deserves, but why do I want her to be with me?
Regardless of all my shortcomings I want her to be with me. I want her to forget everything I did and pick me over the guy that treats her well. I want her to choose me and my shittiness over Mr. Perfect.
A knock on the door drags me out of my thoughts. Sluggishly I walk to the door and open it. Erin is standing there with one arm over the other and she's shifting on her feet. She seems uncertain of what she wants to say. I step aside so she can get in.
"If you're going to argue with me again don't even come in" I say
"I'm not here to argue with you James" she says as she walks in and I close the door behind her. I face her as I lean against my desk. She looks completely lost and out of her element.
"I can't go on like this James." She says as she stares at the floor.
"Like what?" I ask her as I shift in my position.
"Ignore what happened between us. I understand we had a short lived romance. There were a lot of downs and very few ups. I understand that moving on is difficult-"
"Easy for you to say. You got together with Alex a second after we broke up." I state a little hurt.
"You had made it clear that we were done. We get over things differently-"
"So you got over me by sleeping with my friend?" I question her with my eyes on the floor.
"I haven't slept with him." She says and silence falls into the room.
"I think we just have to process what happened. We had something and it was good while it lasted. How it ended left us both hurting and I can't keep hurting James. I can't stop hurting if you keep hurting because whether you realize it or not we still have to be part of each other's lives. We're siblings and our hurting hurts mom and dad, and I honestly can't do that." She says and I just watch her try not to cry.
I wince at the mention of our romance in past tense and the reality of us being siblings sets in. Our parents are involved in this. Again a heavy silence fills the room.
"Erin I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry I couldn't be the guy you needed. I couldn't be the guy who made you happy. I'm sorry all I've ever done was hurt you. I'm sorry I couldn't be en-"
"James stop" she says a tear escapes her eyes.
She had been fighting so hard to not cry but eventually the tears won.
"Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that. You did make me happy at some point and you were enough. You beating yourself up doesn't make me feel better." She says as she wipes away her tears.
"I do love you. I just don't know how to love you" I confess as I feel my eyes pool.
"I know" she says and I feel a little jab in my heart at the hurt in her response.
"I understand that leaving someone can be difficult" she adds and my heart swells with longing.
"Did you ever love me?" I ask in a small shaky voice then she wipes the tears falling down her cheek, lifts her gaze to meet mine and says
"I will always love you."
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