The Best Thing

Slipping Away

"Saylor! Saylor! Oh my god" is all I hear as everything around me becomes hazy. I feel the weight of my body pull me down until I hit the cold tile.

I don't remember much, but something that stands out is feeling cold. Like I was floating in an ice bath, I could barely hear anything around me. All the voices are mumbled and then darkness envelopes me.

I wake up to a beeping noise, my vision is blurry and my throat feels like sand paper. I blink a few times until my vision starts to clear, and I see that I'm at the hospital. I look down and see the bandages on my forearm and the different cords that are all connected to me.

I try to sit up, but my head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds and I almost puke. I hear voices outside the door, and I try to call out for help. Nothing comes out, my voice is raspy like I haven't spoken in days. I try to clear my throat, but it only makes it worse.

Finally I see my mom's brown hair appear in the door way and when she sees me her eyes widen in surprise. She rushes to my bed side "Saylor, you're awake" I stare into her tear stained eyes and see the pain hidden behind them.

"Mom" is all I manage to get out as she cradles my face with her hands. A moment later my father walks in with a doctor.

"Saylor" is all he says as he takes a seat next to my mom. The doctor stands at the edge of the hospital bed and jots a few things down on his clipboard.

He clears his throat "Saylor, I'm so happy you're awake. How do you feel?" His voice is calm.

"My throat is dry and my head is killing me" it comes out like a whisper and he nods.

"I'll get you something for both, do you know why you're here?" My mom squeezes my arm.

I nod as I stare down at my arms "I tried.... I hurt.... I cut myself" I finally get it out half out of breath.

"You did, and because of that we have you under observation to make sure you won't do it again. Unfortunately when the incident happened, you fell and hit your head pretty hard on the floor. You've been in a coma for a week" my heart drops.

"It's okay honey" my mom whispers in my ear and squeezes my hand.

"Oh" is all I manage to say, because what the hell do you say to that?

"I'll get you some medicine and let you rest. I'll speak with your parents outside" he nods and they both stand then follow him out.

My mom shuts the door behind her as I stare ahead at the wall and think; it didn't work. I wasn't supposed to be here or anywhere really. The only thing I thought I could accomplish and Failed. I gently run my fingers over the bandages and memories flash through me.

I remember having a panic attack in my room. I crawled into fetal position next to my bed and cried until I felt like my throat was closing in. The room started to spin and I just wanted it all to stop, for once. I wanted the voice in my head to stop berating me. I wanted the pain I felt deep down to stop hurting so fucking much.

Yet here I am, alive and some what okay. I don't know how to feel or how to truly face the consequences of what I've done. Will my parents forgive me? Can I forgive myself? Can I continue on with my life like nothing happened? I have so many questions and zero answers.

Right now, I don't regret it but I'm pissed that it didn't work like I planned. I let out a long, deep sigh and tears start to flood the corner of my eyes. I try to hold them back, because I've already cried so much and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I quickly wipe my eyes but the tears keep coming. My heart starts to race, so I grab the extra pillow and hold it to my chest. I try to steady my breathing but nothing helps and I feel like the walls are beginning to close in. Just then then the door opens and my parents along with the doctor come back inside.