Lost Cause

Epilogue

Please read the authors note at the end!

"Today's the day dad," I sit down in front of his headstone. "I'm so nervous I could throw up. But I won't, at least not here."

I graduate in less than four hours and it doesn't seem real. Twelve years of schooling comes down to this one moment. It's nerve wracking. So I've come to the cemetery to talk to my dad hoping that getting it all out will somehow soothe my anxiety.

"Mom and Jordan wanted to come but I felt like this was something I had to do on my own you know?" I lay a red rose on the ground. "I can already hear what you're going to say, 'kid, I'm supposed to be the one giving you flowers not the other way around' trust me I think Uncle Ricky got me enough flowers to cover the entire living room."

This morning he came early and dropped three baskets of roses over my head while I was still sleeping. I think he expected me to wake up as soon as he did it because from what mom told me he had a look of huge disappointment on his face. I actually woke up two hours later and it was a huge surprise when I saw my bed covered in flowers.

"I just can't believe I'm doing this without you. I also can't believe I did prom without you. I know you were probably looking down on me during prom but it's different not having you physically be there. If things had gone to plan you would have been retired from the military by now and you would be driving us nuts with your boredom." I laugh at the accuracy in that statement.

My dad wasn't someone who could sit still on the couch and watch hours of TV, well during the day he can't. He has the inability to sit still unless he's absolutely exhausted. I think that's where Jordan gets his never ending energy from.

I feel tears start to burn my eyes and I tilt my head up to the sky to stop them from falling.

"Some days are easier than others but it's just been so hard. I felt like it was a lost cause trying to keep our family strong," I look back down, debating on admitting what I'm actually thinking, fuck it. "I thought I was a lost cause. I didn't want to break down or seem weak when I knew Jordan didn't understand what was happening. But after reading your letter and hearing your voice in the words made it better.

"I'm sorry you left us. I'm even more sorry I didn't tell you I loved you more often. There's a lot of things I'm sorry I didn't do more. You're still the person I look up to most in the world, I just have to look a little higher now."

His birthday was last week and I had a momentary relapse of nightmares and not sleeping. I knew it was going to be tough, but I didn't realize how bad. Most of the time we weren't together for his birthday so we would just see him on a video call, we'd make him a cake and pretend that he was blowing out the candles. But he rarely got our presents on time.

The days leading up to it I had tiny nightmares, not full blown ones like in the past but they didn't make me want to scream waking up. I never went back to bed after that. I ended up having a bad one though, the day before his birthday. I won't go into detail seeing as how I don't really want to relive that but it was a repeat dream and I couldn't eat or sleep after that one.

I don't know how he knew but he did. At two in the morning my wonderful boyfriend knocked on my window and stayed with me. He knew I wouldn't go back to sleep after that so he laid on my bed and pulled me close to him, I laid my head on his chest and the sound of his heartbeat was enough to calm me down some. I hope he knows how grateful I am for him.

"Jax says hi," I look over at the parking lot and see him leaning against my Jeep. "I told him to come tell you himself but he didn't want to barge in on my time with you."

I roll my eyes, ever the gentleman.

"He treats me so well, and god I love him so much. Craziest thing is he loves me just as much. Things like this aren't supposed to happen in high school, and I know, I know you felt so much love for mom when you were my age. But now? Times are different now, people are different. Most of them don't look for love anymore. How did I get lucky enough to find one of the slim few who are?"

I wasn't looking for love this year, I wanted to spend time with my friends, make the best memories for our senior year, and graduate. That was my list of things to do, of course the one thing I didn't plan on happening, happens.

I deepen my voice, "Because kid, you deserve everything."

I can't help the laugh that comes out at me trying to imitate my dad.

"I guess love comes when you least expect it though. I'm so glad it did dad. What I feel for him doesn't seem real, the way he loves me feels like it was written from a book. No real love feels like this, does it?"

I don't expect an answer obviously, but the wind blowing through the trees gives me one anyway.

"Yeah I guess it does. The way you love mom is exactly like this. The way Uncle Ricky loves Aunt Martha. The way Jax and I love each other. Love straight out of fairy tales. I'm glad I get to experience it."

I check my phone and see that thirty minutes have passed from the time I sat down. I sigh reluctant to leave but knowing I have a diploma to collect.

"Well in three and a half hours you will have a child who graduated high school. Weirdest thing that's happened since I became friends with Micah. I'll be back soon, I love you dad so much and I miss you like a crazy amount. Not that you have anywhere to go but thank you for listening to my rambling."

I press a kiss to my fingertips and place them on top of the headstone. It's always hard walking away from here but the sight in front of me makes it a little better.

"You good hermosa?" Jax asks, eyes filled with concern.

I slide my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest, "Yeah love, I'm good."

His arms wrap around my shoulders and we stay that way for a couple seconds, the silence giving me a sense of peace.

"You ready to graduate and spend the rest of our lives not knowing what the hell we're doing?" He asks, tilting my head up to look at him.

I go up on my tiptoes and press a kiss to his lips, "With you? Always."

The End.

A/N: And it's over. 

Thank you to everyone who has read my story and continues to read it. I never thought that I would ever actually finish writing this book so for this to be the ending is bittersweet. 

It may not be some of my best writing but I am proud of it regardless. 

The idea for this story came to me November of 2014, I was a freshman in high school  and wanted to write something that was realistic and described high school in a way not many writers back then depicted it. 

That first draft was horrendous, absolutely terrible, but writing as a 13 year old not really knowing where you were going and not really knowing who you were..well it was never going to go well. 

I finally created the second draft in 2018 when I had a better idea of what I wanted this story to be. After reading more books I realized I wanted to create a book where friends were family and grew up together as I never had that. I wanted a chosen family that would do anything for each other. 

I think I've accomplished that. 

So from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for reading Lost Cause, for taking the time to read the words I've written. I never thought it would do well at all. But there's time. 

I'll see you for the next one ;)