Ineffable Husbands Being Adorable Idiots

Falling

Warning: this is just pure angst. It has a vaguely happy ending though. Panic attack, loss, dissociation.

Word count: 1450

Crowley's POV

I am standing on a beach and I'm not sure how I got here. It is dark. Much too dark and even my serpentine eyes are struggling to see. I am not wearing my glasses but even so, the darkness is thick and suffocating. It is too cold. It is seeping into my bones and it would be so nice to just curl up here and close my eyes. I know I can't do that though. There's a reason I'm here. There must be. If only I could find it. But my brain is like frozen treacle and I can't swim through it. Something isn't right.

I look out at the sea and something makes me take a step forward towards the swirling waves. And then another and another until the coldness hits like ice through my heart and it shakes me from my daydream. I am standing chest deep in the ocean now and my limbs feel like they belong to someone else. I have to keep going though. I have to find Aziraphale. Something isn't right.

I am trying to swim but everything feels slow and heavy. It's all so far away. It's all so dark. I can't close my eyes. I cant close my eyes. I cant.... Something isn't right.

The coldness is suddenly gone and I blink awake. The stark whiteness burns my eyes and I reach for my glasses. I cant find them. Where am I? I vaguely remember being cold. So very cold. And the darkness was everywhere, inside every corner of my brain but now everything is blinding. And I miss the comfort of the dark. Something isn't right.

Water. I was drowning. It's all so very far away. I cant... Aziraphale!! I have to find Aziraphale. Something isn't right.

I can feel it in the heart that is beating too slowly in my chest. Or is it even beating at all? I know that he's in trouble. I have to find him. Something isn't right.

I pull myself to my feet and feel the stiffness in my bones. They don't feel like my bones though. My bones feel so very far away. In an ocean. Something isn't right.

I look around. Everything is so very white. I look down and feel clouds beneath my feet. Shit. Something isn't right.

I strain my eyes into the distance and can make out a figure dressed in cream. I would know that jacket anywhere. Aziraphale! I start running towards him with legs that feel like jelly. It's like wading through quicksand and I feel like I'm not getting any closer. Something isn't right.

Keep pushing. I have to keep going. But everything feels so very slow and it would be so much easier to just... No, I can't give up. This is Aziraphale we are talking about. I can't leave Aziraphale. Not when something isn't right.

I am close enough now to see his face and he looks just as terrified as I feel. He is pale. His wide eyes have tears in them. His mouth is moving but i can hear no sound. I must get to him. I must hold him and tell him that it will be ok. Something isn't right.

I can see what he's trying to shout now. "Crowley. Crowley. Crowley. Help me. Please. Crowley." Over and over and over. And I have to reach him. I have to help him. Something isn't right.

And now I am 20 metres from him. 10 metres. 5 metres. And I am reaching out my hand to grab him. And he is reaching out to me. And the clouds beneath his feet give way and suddenly he is falling. His fingers brushing against mine as he disappears from my grasp. This isn't right.

This can't be right. He can't be falling. No. No. No. My angel. Come back. This. Cant. Be. Right.

And suddenly, I'm falling too. My wings spread out like thunder clouds behind me. Tight against my back. They don't resist the air. They can't resist the air, not if I hope to catch him. I must fly like a bullet. I have to catch him. I cant let him fall. Not alone. It isn't right.