All This Time

Chapter 22

Song recommendation for the chapter is
Nothings gonna hurt you baby- by Cigarettes after sex

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I didn't wait for him to follow me. I just walked in and went looking around for something decent. I grabbed plane t-shirts and pants.

Two shirts. One black and one white. Two pairs of jeans. A blue pair and a black pair.

I felt like Bucky at times now with my dark clothes these past couple of days.

As I headed to purchase them I saw Bucky behind me looking uncomfortable watching me. Like he was in deep thought.

"Next!"

I walk up and buy them quickly and when I'm done I walk back towards him heading out.

I could feel him staring at me and he seemed like he was dying to say something but just couldn't.

We walked for a bit until he blurted something out like I did.

"I love you."

I was caught off guard.

I stopped in my track looking at him wide-eyed.

He's said it to me maybe once before but I don't know...this time feels different. More intimate.

I opened my mouth trying to search my brain for something to say back.

I told him I didn't love him back which wasn't true and I told myself I wouldn't hold things back but the other part of me is winning. Telling me that it's different and I just can't come to my senses and tell him just yet.

"I know I told you already but I want you to know it wasn't just something in the moment. It wasn't to make you feel better or anything. I love you, Jane. Truly. And it hurts me to know I hurt you. Every day I think about what I did and wish I could take it back only so you wouldn't have to feel what you did. Then I remember why I did it and I just can't imagine doing it any different."

"Ok..why?" I ask.

"Why?"

"Why did you do it?"

He looks away and takes a breath taking a slow step forward and I follow him as he seems like he's trying to give himself the boost to continue.

"I wasn't doing good Jane. I know it seemed like that but I wasn't. I wasn't even close to being okay. I know everyone said I was doing better and I think the only reason they thought that was because I didn't just glare at anyone who tried to help me."

I chuckled at the idea of Buck just pouting all angrily in the infirmary as Shuri tries talking to him.

"I talked to people. And as cheesy as it may sound it was because of you," he says now looking into my eyes with a soft expression as we continue to walk slowly.

I smiled looking away as I felt my cheeks start to burn a bit.

"You showed me that I can trust people. So I opened up a bit more and I think everyone saw that as progress but it really wasn't. It was a first step but nothing more."

I just watched him as he went on looking at the ground.

"My nightmares..."

I felt my stomach burn by the mention.

Is he going to tell me about them?

"They.."

"You don't have to tell me," I tell him quickly before he continues.

He looks at me with an expression I can't decipher.

"You don't need to tell me them as part of an explanation."