Capricorn Season - Jimmy Page

Chapter 21

"Good morning, you look peachy!" Lorelei's sunny disposition was irritating to my hungover state. The party was wonderful, but I was now paying the price. A heavy flogging was in my head, blood rushing and pumping being my disembodied abuser. I waved her off and sat down in the uncomfortable chair next to her. The heavy sunlight peaking from the open windows was playing upon her hair, illuminating the twisting curls she possessed.

"Rough night?" She continued to prod. I turned to her and grumbled an affirmative answer. Having an engaging conversation wasn't on the agenda. I picked at the meal in front of me. Jimmy had ordered it for me. He knew just what I wanted, but I wasn't hungry. The only feeling freely running through me, other than rampant throbbing pain in my head, was a steady aching in my chest. I had been trying to push this feeling down. Ever since we saw Dominic I had been on a rampage to distract myself in any way. I had drank like a monster, taken all kinds of drugs, and thrown myself into my work and everyone else's lives. This was not working. I could still feel the distant churning of pain working through my body every day. Memories washed through me like a wave, leaving me naked and sun-bleached when the tide receded. The pain was thinly veiled, sometimes pushed aside, but always present.

I thought the end would feel finished. I thought there would be finality in the last time I saw him. But there wasn't. Our relationship ended with an explosion but didn't die out as I imagined. It wasn't a cannonball to end the war. It was a spark that fizzled out. We crashed and burned, but the final gasp for air was long and never-ending. It seemed that the hurt would never end. The ache in my chest lasted for almost a year. For a year I saw him everywhere. In every shop window, every pack of Newport's, every couple holding hands on the street. And every time I was shot. Wounded once again, like the first time I fell.

But it did stop. There came a time when the dull drumming in my trunk ended with a final clank. I no longer saw my reflection in his eyes when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see myself from his point of view anymore. His control of my emotions had ended. I was finally free from the constraints of what I thought I deserved. No longer was I a victim of self-abasement.

Now it was back, and with it the familiar insecurities he thrust upon me. I could feel his hands on me once again, the hot sensation of his lips on me burned my skin. My body was a haunted house, being visited nightly by the echoes of my past lover. He was a poltergeist, stacking chairs and moving objects in an attempt to drive me insane.

Jimmy could feel the tension building within my body. I winced each time I saw him and flinched when he touched me. I didn't want to do this, to be this ruined, but I couldn't help it. These thoughts ran wild in my mind on a constant loop and tormented me endlessly. Today was no different. When he came up behind me, touching a gentle hand to my back, I almost slapped it away. "Are you alright?" His features were pulled together in tender concern. I shook my head, tears pricked in my eyes. I kept my head cast down in an attempt to adhere to decorum.

"Why don't we go upstairs and we can sit down and you tell me why you're upset." His voice was low in my ear, a cooling tingle of comfort on my neck. When we were in the isolated repose of our room I sat back on the bed, waiting for him to join me. When he finally did I lay in his arms and let everything out. I wailed wordlessly, tears streaming down my face. He rubbed his large hands on my back, a slight show of deep affection. As this went on I could feel myself opening up. There was a box being slowly opened and he was making his way inside. I was letting him, lowering the defenses all the while.

I believe he was confused, and not sure what to do. But he performed beautifully, both as a silent director and as a watchful audience. When I was finally finished with my production we made small talk about the weather and the changes in scenery. This was another comfort he brought, allowing me to weep listlessly and recover shortly. It seemed he knew what I needed, perhaps more so than I did.