Capricorn Season - Jimmy Page

Chapter 25 Part 1

The hotel room was silent. The entire floor was silent. It always scared me just how loud my head could get when the world around me is quiet. Flashes from earlier fought in my head, sending me into a dizzying panic. 

Everything has been happening so fast. Moving to England, getting a new job, meeting Jimmy, falling madly in love with someone in a matter of months, going on tour with him, getting this new job. It all felt like it happened in one fell swoop, one quick burst of intense energy. 

I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I looked in the mirror and picked at every feature, fixed my hair, changed my outfit, and even checked to make sure my shoes were on the right feet. And then I realized that what was wrong was me. Everything about this moment was wrong.

Then, the seed was planted. And from that horrible drop grew a poisoned tree of insecurity and deceit. The malignant voices in my head whispered words of ostracization, notions of being unloved and outcast. These ideas were logically unsound, but I believed them. 

I believed that Jimmy didn't actually like me, I believed that every choice I'd ever made was incorrect. I was doubting every interaction I'd had recently, hated the sound of my voice, hated the way I looked. It was a total breakdown of self. I couldn't control it.

The world was terrible and cruel in that moment, I felt Jimmy and everything else being swallowed and pulled away all at once, leaving me alone. I searched for any possible reason for this malaise, this great tormentor, but came up an empty-handed beggar. My limbs shook and tears trailed from the expanse of my cadaverous eyes, mirroring Jimmy's attack at Royal Albert. And that made everything worse, feeling so connected to someone I saw breaking free and flying away. 

I was grasping at the ground I thought steady, only to be left with grains of sand in the cracks of my hands. All was leaving me in a great migration and returning in a haunt. When would my body stop mourning my past lives and lovers? I wished at that moment to be anything but a graveyard. But it prevailed, the stench of death and dirt.

The future felt like a distant memory, now only my past failures painting the inside of my mind. What I wouldn't have give for clarity, an offering of love. That would be a clear light of God, an extension of his beautiful and forgiving palm. 

But I was alone in that hotel room, my disturbed path only lit by the moon and hall sconce light peaking under the door. I curled up on the bed, retracting into myself like a crumbling piece of parchment. I hoped if I squeezed myself together tight enough that I would disappear, slip into the listless night like a vagrant. I would do a favor to those around me, the ones who hadn't left.

It was in this terrible moment of doubt and pain that I received my wish. Jimmy waltzed through the doorway, cheery and bright. He was an explosion of light in a deep, dark tunnel. But I couldn't move, I laid, crying and shaking. He found me eventually when his greeting was met with sniffling and heavy breaths. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" His voice was gentle as if he were comforting a scared animal. Perhaps I looked like one, huddled and shivering. I still couldn't speak, only sob. The message was received and he laid down behind me, pulling me into his body. 

"Is this about what happened earlier today?" I shook my head, even though that was part of the issue. It was the catalyst to this anxious track running in my mind. "Are you sure?" I was still, save for the quivering of my chest. "Well, when you calm down we can talk." He resumed his hair petting, calming my nerves. This wasn't the miracle surgery saving my life, but it was medicine to sate my pain. Having him present was a reminder that these were just voices, these were just jumbled ideas, and I didn't have to believe them.

-
It wasn't until the next day that I was ready to talk. I drifted into a dark and dreamless sleep, filled with nothing by rest. When I woke, I was anxious. I was unsure of how to approach the topic. I didn't want to be the first to bring it up. Luckily, Jimmy could feel this and asked me if I was ready to talk. 

I nodded stoutly and began, "I don't know, I just got this horrible sense of dread last night. I felt like everything was slipping away and you were leaving me. That I was losing everything, and it was completely my fault." He looked pained by this, his brows mashed together in subtle agony. "Well, that's simply not true. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." His hand was on mine now and he was rubbing his thumb over the warm skin of my palm. "And your behavior yesterday was upsetting." 

Now he turned sour. Perhaps it was a sensitive eye, a reactive mind, that lead me to believe he was angry. I hoped that was true, hoped he was empathic to my plight. He sighed, not speaking at first. I felt justified in my anxiety. I dropped his hand in an instant, nerves filling the extremities that were previously in his possession. I fiddled with the tips of my nails, rubbing the pads of my fingers against the rigid crescents. 

"I'm sorry, love." His speech was stout and simple.