Scared Angel

21. My Superhero

    I woke up at 5am this morning to Elle bouncing her bum on my tummy asking for breakfast. I made us pancakes and we watched more Disney movies per her request. I've noticed Elle has become a bit bored of her toys, she still plays with them but not with the same excitement so I'm going to surprise her with a trip to the toy shop.
     I text Candice and tell her we're going to the mall and invite her, a few minutes later while Ellie is nursing she respond saying she'd love too. 
    She gets off work at 12pm so we decided to meet at 1:30. I get Ellie dressed and make us lunch, just a simple nuggets and fries.
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Candice, Elle, and I arrive at the mall, I get Ellie situated in her stroller; she's still asleep from after nursing before Candice arrived. I push Ellie into the mall with Candice right beside me. "Where to first? I can't really get Ellie toys until she's awake" I chuckle and look over at her. "Let's get a coffee and then just window shop till little cutie wakes up." I happily nod in response.
Once Elle wakes up I take her to the bathroom for a diaper change. I carry her out and Candice offers to push the empty stroller, we walk to the toy store making Elle peak out from my hair she has draped over her like a curtain.
I giggle, "let's get this little one some new thinga ma bobs" I exclaim making her squeal happily and giggle. She's picks out toys in my arms shyly until she sees a dollhouse causing her to gasp, wiggle and squirms till I put her on her feet; she's still a little unsteady on her feet so I try to hold her hands but she is too excited and runs towards it falling into it giggling. "Alright baby let's be careful alright?" I say to her softly before I let her pick out the dollhouse she wants and when I turn to put it in our cart she's gone by the time I turn around. "Elle?" I ask looking around, I check the neighboring aisles while my heart beat starts jumping out of my chest.

"ELLE? Ellie? Please oh god ELEANOR!?!!" I scream. Candice takes off running past me making me start to scream for her as well but stop when I see her look around confused, "what's going on?" She doesn't answer and runs into a nearby store. I follow her as she looks all over until she stops in front of a dressing room. She kicks the door down and there stands a man holding my daughter in his nasty hands. I scream and kick him in between the legs knocking him to the ground and take my child from his arms before Candice handcuffs him. She hold him until the cops on duty can take him away.
    Eleanor is silently staring up at the ceiling making my heart sink. My poor baby is so scared she can't even cry, I tear up but push it away for later, she needs me. I send Candice to the store to buy Ellie her toys and I take her to the car.
    "Babygirl don't ever let go of mommy's hand in public ever again" I say sternly as Candice gets back into the car. "Hey she doesn't understand, and your tone is scaring her!" She says "she just experienced more trauma after a traumatizing life and this could make her think that she did something wrong for enjoying herself and she's always going to be on guard."
     I pause and look down at Elle, she has big wide doe eyes and she does look scared of me. I start crying and I pull her close to me holding onto her "mommy didn't mean to scare you, And I know you don't understand me fully but I just don't want to lose you again" I sob into her hair for a moment before I kiss her head and wipe my tears away. Elle grabs my shirt and just stars at me with her big eyes making my heartache.
      Once home I try to get Elle to nurse and she refuses. She won't look at her new or old toys. All she accepts is her blankie, I sigh when she does take the cloth from my hand and take it as a win before I stand with her in my arms.
    I make us all a pizza while Ellie sits in her playpen. I put her new toys in there for her but she just lays on her blanket with her paci in her mouth, I turn on Disney junior for her making her hum somewhat.
     Elle refuses to eat making me frown since she doesn't want mommy milk either. The whole next hour I spend trying to feed her to no avail, "Ellie please eat for mama?" I please but all she does is lay her head down onto the pizza slice. I cringe and slip the pizza out from under her before cleaning her face with no fight. I get a jar of baby food and try a few times before she does take a few bites. She only takes 3 bites but it's all she's accepted all day making me relived somewhat. "Come on baby let's go to bed" I say lifting her up and carrying her to bed. I get her diaper changed and put her in a soft onesie before laying her on my chest. I take my shirt off and try to nurse one last time only to get rejected once more. I leave my shirt off for the night just in case she changes her mind. I drift off to sleep only after I'm sure Elle is down for the night.