who am i to you?

5.1

"It hurts..." I cried.

Mom was the first to attend to me and look at my scraped knee. She examined the small wound before making her conclusion. "You're fine," she said, flicking the dust off my knees when I tripped. "It's just a scratch. It won't kill you."

"But it hurts..."

"Come on, aren't you a big boy now?"

I sniffed and stared at her.

Finally, Dad came. He sighed, looking at my helpless figure on the ground. Then, he picked me up and carried me in his arms. I buried my face on his shoulder and cried.

It hurts but it shouldn't hurt. I'm fine. I should be.

"Are you okay?" Dad asked.

"It hurts. But I'm a big boy now," I wiped the snot on my nose.

He rubbed my back, comforting me. "It's not like big boys can't cry, Vasily. If it hurts, it hurts. Got it?"

I sniffed and nodded.

"So where else does it hurt?"

My parents were always busy. My father works a lot for the family company. My Mom, on the other hand, works for her image and to get constant validation. Her pursuing film isn't something really acceptable in her Chinese household. And Dad's family initially disliked her for her not-so-great profession. She's not as successful as she was back then like how she is now. So with them always at work, I was always left alone at home when Shi is gone and school is done. The only time I'll get to see at least one of them with me for the whole day are during short weekends and whenever I get sick.

I don't know when it started but I fantasized being in any accident just so they'll be home. It may sound bad but Dad being sick — there was a part of me that was glad about it. Because I get to spend more time with him even in the hospital. Not just a few hours at home after work or secret days off or absence he takes.

"What happened?"

"I fell down the stairs."

"What. Happened?" he pressed, clearly losing his patience with my lies.

"I. Fell. Down. The. Stairs," I said the words slowly too, imitating him.

Santi didn't move and just stared at my eyes.

Have I said it before? That his eyes are mesmerizing to look at? They're full of something. And it's beautiful when light reflects on them. And those eyes, they've never looked at me with malice or judged me in any way. They're gentle.