who am i to you?

17

"Saint," Mom called my attention.

"Hmm?" I hummed, attention still on organizing my drawer, my brows deep in a furrow.

Palagi nalang kasing ganito si Mom. Tuwing umuuwi siya, bibisitahin niya ang kwarto ko. Tapos 'pag may nakita siyang magulo, aayusin na namin lahat.

To tell you the truth, I am secretly thankful na flight attendant siya at madalang umuwi. I know she's sad na 'di niya ako madalas makita pero nakakapagod kasi talagang maglinis lagi. Ta's madalas, kung 'di lagi, itatabi niya 'yung iba kong gamit so she can donate it or sell it because she said hindi ko naman na nagagamit.

I do love my Mom, and I like spending time with her. Ayoko lang na ito ang bonding namin. Magligpit ng kwarto ko.

"What country's flag is this?"

Malalim akong napabuntong hininga, taking the opportunity of not facing her to roll my eyes. Sigurado may nakita na naman siya.

When I turned to look at her, my eyes balled at the sight of her holding up the bi flag Kath gifted me when I came out to her. I couldn't move for a moment, iniisip ko kung anong dapat kong gawin.

I've been looking for an opportunity to tell my parents about my sexuality. I'm always hoping for an accident dahil hindi ko alam kung pano sabihin nang harapan yung tungkol doon.

I'm still afraid no matter how sure I am on my identity.

"Somewhere in Africa, Mom," my voice almost cracked.

I want to punch myself in the face right now. Just once.

This is the accident I'm hoping for. Pero kahit anong paghahanda ko noon, hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang sabihin kay Mom.

Not now. Soon, I hope.

She moved her head back, taking a good view of the flag. "I don't think this is from Africa."

I guess it was really pointless lying about a flag to a flight attendant. But Mom isn't suspecting anything. She doesn't know any of this pride flag thing.

"Why do you even have this?"

"Kath gave it to me." Tumayo ako at iniwan ang ginagawa ko para lapitan si Mom. Kinuha ko ang flag sa kanya at sinimulan iyong itupi. "Wala lang 'to."

"Don't you want to display it?" She pointed at the empty side of my wall that I left with no posters. "May empty space pa naman d'on."

Umiling ako at ibinalik ang flag sa shoebox kung saan ko iyon tinago. The shoebox is among the shoes in the corner of my closet. Nakalimutan ko na ngang meron ako nito.

Naisipan lang talaga akong bigyan ni Kath nito to support me even though this was one of the reasons we broke up.