Far

twenty-nine

Every part of my being is tingling, he ignites me in ways I will never understand but I love it. I long for it and the way that I feel when his hands roam across my body, just like they're doing now.

Travelling up my thigh, my side, to my neck where he holds it still for a few moments.

"Harry.." I say softly.

He hums in response, placing soft kisses along my face. "What, baby?"

I feel my face heat up immediately, not just from the pet name, but from what I'm about to ask. "Please."

He places another kiss, "Please, what?"

Of course you would make me say it.

"I want you to.." I kiss his lips. I'm trying so hard to avoid this word but also trying to be so obvious.

He sighs, "Baby.."

Ouch.

I open my mouth and then snap it shut again. I gently push him away and make my way to the bathroom.

"Ariana," He calls out as I shut the door. He doesn't get to see me cry. Not again.

"No, it's fine Harry. You don't need to explain yourself." I say as I wipe my eyes trying to pull myself together.

"But, I do. I can't touch you without telling you everything first. I won't allow it to happen."

I swing open the door. He's sitting on the floor opposite of the door, legs extended in front of him. My heart is beating so fast because I know that he's going to say something I don't want to hear, he's probably going to mention another girl and I'm going to cry and things will go back to how they were. It's always one step forward and three steps back.

I sit on the bathroom floor, just behind the open door incase I want to slam it shut in his face.

"Tell me."

"I know you're going to get mad, but you have to understand this was before I got to know you. Before I started care about you. Once that happened I knew I had to come clean."

"Stop stalling, just spit it out." I pull my knees up to my chest.

"I need you to understand that, promise me you'll keep it in mind?"

"Was if before or after I met your mother?" I ask.

"Before." He sighs.

I nod my head before lowering it onto my knees.

"I was really drunk at one of the frat parties," Dear God. "I was playing one of those stupid games, and I got dared to do something stupid but I was cocky and said I wanted something better."

I lift my head up. I'm starting to feel uneasy. That same feeling I felt at the very beginning when I was suspicious of him, the same feeling that Lili had.

"Niall dared me to fake date a girl, to take a girl's virginity."

"No.." I'm trying to hold back my tears.

He runs his hands through his hair while he lets his tears fall down his cheeks, "Everyone picked you because they all thought that you were... easy, for a lack of a better word. I agreed to it."

"Cole knows about it, he was there and he was trying to talk some sense into me but at the time I didn't care about you. I wasn't concerned about feeling things for you so I brushed him off. And then you met my mother and that's when I realised I fucked up. That talk that we had in the basement? I wanted to tell you so bad, baby. I wanted to tell you there but I couldn't so I tried to apologise to you in a different way, ahead of time."

I clasp a hand over my mouth to silence my sobs. Cole knew? And he couldn't tell me? Warn me? Everyone was in on it?

"That's when the Sarah situation happened because I figured if I tried to get you to not talk to me, the bet would be called off. But when you stopped talking to me for two weeks I lost my mind. I was so lost, I felt like shit and all I wanted to do was tell you the truth and I wanted to make everything right."

"God, Harry, you fucked Sabrina to get yourself out of the fucking mess you put yourself in?" I'm so mad.

"I know, angel, I know. I'm so sorry. Fucking Cole was talking about taking you and Lili up to Forks and Seattle and I forced him to let me come just so I could be around you again."

I slam the bathroom door shut and lay on the floor. Loud sobs are leaving my mouth but I can't help it, this hurts so fucking bad. Everything feels like a lie, my body feels heavy and my heart feels like it was just thrown into fire.

God, how did I not see the signs? He's too fucking good at his own game. I just want to scream, to tell him how much I hate him, to break everything.

I'll break everything.

My fist collides with the side of the tub, and then the hard floor, and then the cabinets. Before I get to the mirror Harry is grabbing my arms and holding me against his chest.

"Let me go," I cry.

"No, you're not going to hurt yourself over something I did. I've hurt you enough. Stop it."

"It hurts so bad, you fucking suck Harry. You suck and you're mean and I hate you." I sound like a child and I don't even care, because there is no adequate way to describe how I'm feeling right now. Words won't do this justice.

"I know, and you should hate me. I want you to."

"Why would you do this to me?" I ask. "Why wouldn't you have just said no and I could've been with someone who cared about me. Maybe Colten and I had something but I wouldn't know because you decided to be a fucking asshole."

He pulls me away to look me in the eyes, "Colten is just as guilty."

"What do you mean?"

"He's in the frat. He knows the game and he was trying to make me slip up and lose. That's why when I saw you at Zayn's bar I intervened."

Oh my god.

Everyone's a liar. They're all.. I can't handle anything else. I look at him and drop to my knees, trying to catch my breath as I cry. I've never felt pain like this before.

"I fell in love with you, did you know that?" I ask him.

He sits down on the floor, his face pale with wide eyes and holds me as I cry over a love that never existed to him.