Far

twenty-five

He looks in shock when I look back up at him, like he wasn't expecting me to actually listen to what he has to say. At this point, I don't have much left to lose with hearing him out. We're both here and I know Harry well enough to know he won't let me leave without explaining himself.

And, at the end of the day, he will eventually have to explain himself, and the sooner he does, the sooner I can walk away.

"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says.

I roll my eyes. Right.

"I wasn't thinking, I was drunk and she was just there. I don't have an explanation as to why I did what I did."

I am picking at the grass to keep myself from crying.

"I can't change what happened. I can't take it back. I did what I did and there is no excuse for it. I regret every minute of it, and I am sorry for hurting you like this."

"You're right, there is no excuse," is all that I can manage to say.

"I don't deserve this in the slightest, but please give me another chance. Just this once, I promise this will never happen again. I need you."

He is looking at me with pleading eyes, like he truly means what he says. I can't forgive this easy. I can't let him think that this kind of thing can happen and I forgive him so easily.

"You never gave me a reason to not trust you," I begin.

It's his turn to sit down.

"But this... H, this is unforgettable. Who is to say it won't happen again? I mean, that is your lifestyle after all. This is who you are. I can't change you."

"You can save me."

Is he crazy?

"No, I can't," I laugh softly, "You will always be like this. You will always be this player and I don't want to be the girl who wastes her time chasing around a guy who doesn't even care about her."

"Do you want complete honesty?" he asks.

I nod my head and my face is saying obviously, dumbass.

"Before I met you, I felt like I was in this black hole. I was sucked in, there was no light, no exit, nothing. I met you, that first night, at the frat house. You were stumbling around with Lili because she drank too fast,"

My mind replays the night in my head. All my mind can focus on is when I saw Harry for the first time. It feels like a lifetime ago when it was actually just a few months.

"There was something... electric about you, something that I can't describe but when I saw you, I felt it. This current, this gravitational force, whatever it is, you have it. I remember knowing the exact moment you left because I didn't feel it anymore. Cole and I went back to your dorm to make sure you guys were okay. You were on the floor and the second I saw you that feeling came back."

I'm staring at him like a deer in head lights.

What

the

fuck?

"I put you in your bed,"

It all floods back to me. That's why it felt familiar when he picked up, because he's already done it before.

"I thought I was just crazy, I was just making it up in my head. But, that night you were running towards me with your shirt ripped, the fear in your eyes. Ariana, that night is engraved in my head. I felt that same feeling and a wave of protection and possessiveness overcame me. That moment was when I knew I wasn't going crazy. I wanted to keep you safe. I knew I was the only one who could keep you safe. I want to always have that feeling."

"Then why do this? H, why tell me all of this? If this is how you really feel, you would not have done what you did."

"I know. Fuck, I know. I'm sorry,"

"I could of had Colton, someone who actually cared about me and my feelings, someone who would never lie," I cry.

Anger is written all over his face.

"Colton is not as innocent as you think he is. Trust me, Ari. You do not want to go there with me right now. I am trying to keep my cool."

"I am trying to understand, I really am. But, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you still went and slept with another girl. Why couldn't you have felt my 'gravitational' pull when I was there? I was there! I was at that goddamn frat house and you still slept with some other girl! You begged me to go to that party! Make it make sense, Harry."

It is my turn to try and keep my cool, but I am not doing so good.

He takes a deep breath, "I pretended she was you."

"What?"

"When I was fucking- I mean having sex with her, I was pretending that she was you." He changes his use of words after noticing my disgusted face.

"I actually called out your name," he chuckles.

"What." I say. It's not a question. It's just a What.

"I don't want Sam, I don't want anyone but you. I can't promise I will be perfect, because I will still fuck up, I'll still hurt you, but not because I want to. That's just what I am; a fuck-up. But I will never sleep with anyone that is not you. You are everything that I want, everything that I do not deserve but I will be selfish enough to take anyway."

"Her name was Sabrina," is what I say.

I don't have words to form right now. I am a writer, a poet, a fucking musician, and I can't find the words to respond to him.

He nods his head.

"You have to give me time, H. This wasn't something little, regardless on if we were labelled with the term 'dating' we still acted like it. I mean I met your mom, I stayed over at your house, I was starting to be apart of your world and you mine."

"I know, baby, I know," tears are forming in his eyes.

Damn, he's a really good liar. And actor.

"Let me think on this. Please. Just give me space and let me process what you've told me. I really care for you, I do, but I don't want to be hurt. You can't be my safe person when you're the one who's hurting me."

"I understand," he stands up and extends his hand to help me up.

I look in his emerald eyes and find that they are red, and brimming with tears begging to spill over but he's fighting back. All he has ever known to do is fight back.

I don't want him to fight with me or from me or away from me. I want him and all of his scars. I want him to feel my gravitational effect. I want him, but why should I want someone... like this?

Rude, condescending, disrespectful.

My heart weighs heavy on my drive back to the dorms. Everything feels heavy, everything feels like it is spinning. I collapse on my bed and let silent tears fall before I decide to get ready for bed.

I replay what Harry told me in my head until I fall asleep.

"I remember knowing the exact moment you left because I didn't feel it anymore."