Arcadia 11

Forty-Four pt 2

Youngjae and Mark squished impossibly closer to their friend. Both wrapping their arms around him and allowing him to let his tears out. Mark simply tucked his head under the vocalists chin while Youngjae began rubbing his hand up and down Jinyoung's arm. They laid there for a few more minutes before Jinyoung's tears began to slow. When his breathing became more regular they just tightened their hold on him. It was so heartbreaking to hear him cry, but they were glad he was finally letting it all out.

"Hyung," Youngjae said, his voice still rough from just waking up, along with his own tears. "I don't know if you know this." He moved so the older was looking at him, but without dislodging Markie, "You are special. Without you, this world would be so horrid and boring. There isn't a day I don't want you in. Having someone I know I trust working alongside me, it's an incredible feeling." They never broke eye contact, the younger only wanting to convey his sincerity. "You are a fantastic son, friend, and brother. You are so strong and smart, brave and loyal. I am in awe of all the work you put in. Hyung, you are a gift to us and I appreciate everything you've done, past, present, and future." They smiled at each other before Markie shifted.

Moving to sit up on the bed fully, he shook his head. "Jinyoungie," his voice was still quiet and his eyes still held the shine of Headspace,  but that didn't stop him. "I love that you're always there the second I need help. That all I need to do is think about you and you're calling me, as if you can sense my moods. You're such a supportive and inspiring man, the fact that you take time out of your busy schedule to check on the rest of us, to make sure we're all still in this together,  it's amazing." He was clearly coming out of it as his voice got louder and grew deeper, a determined look overtaking the youthful ignorance. Mark was forcing himself out of Headspace for his dongsaeng, and he didn't care what consequences would follow. "Jinyoung-ah, you have such a big heart and loving soul, and I wouldn't change that for the world. You are my family. The only reason I never cared about missing all those family events back in LA was because I had you. My Jinyoungie, always there to sit with me when I needed to be quiet or teasing the kids when I needed to get out of my head. You're always there for me." Makr began tearing up, his voice trembling. Jinyoung scrambled to sit up as well. "I am so sorry." He let out a shaky breath, putting his hands on the younger man's shoulders. "You grew up too fast and I never helped. I was trying so hard to be everywhere and everything the others needed I never actually took the time for you. And for that I apologize, Park Jinyoung I'm so sorry." Mark said, resting his forehead against the other's. "You incredibly brave and clever man. I am so sorry I wasn't any help to you. The man who was willing to give up being an actor if it meant BamBam could get the lead in a commercial, gave up his lead dance spot to Yugyeom so that the younger could feel more like he was part of the team, gave Jackson a sounding board and secret singing lessons, and Jaebum someone to share his leader duties with." Mark wiped the tears as they fell from Jinyoung's eyes. "I know you've been sneaking choreo lessons with Youngjae and helping to work on his breathing. I also know you've been learning English so that I don't have to carry us when we do interviews in English. You do so much and never ask for anything in return." He pulled back so they could see each other properly. "But I want you to know, I see you. I see the hours you put in for each and every member, I see the sleepless nights and early mornings, I see the planning meetings, and rejected scripts.  Jinyoung I see you and I thank you." Mark finished, letting his words settle around them.

The silence didn't last long though. The doubts Jinyoung had coming back to the surface now that he was given the space. "Then why?" He pleaded, tears falling fast as he stared at a man he considered his best friend. "Why didn't you tell me?" He begged.

All Mark wanted to do was find a time machine so he could go back to the early days of his regression and throttle himself. None of the others had asked this question, he had hoped none would. He felt like a moron because he should've known the one person who would call him out would be the one he'd been avoiding. "Oh Jinyoung-ah, I'm so sorry." He began. Looking between both men. He pulled back, seeming to fold into himself as he fiddled with his shirt hem. Something he'd never do, unless he was straddling the line between Big and Little. "I..." He sighed, looking down at his fingers. "I didn't say anything because I'm a coward. The first time I regressed I was sitting in the studio after a fight I had with you..." He glanced up at Jinyoung. Who opened and closed his mouth a few times before his brows furrowed. "I don't even remember what it was about... but it was right after the call from my dad about Joey's birthday, and I lost it. I sat in the studio crying, thinking you guys would never actually like me for me, and that I would never be brave enough to tell you what I felt. I cried for hours and stayed holed up for a few days, then Jaebum and I got in a fight, then Youngjae, and BamBam, and then..." He didn't bother wiping the tears that fell. His mind replaying all the times he'd messed up and made the others mad at him.

"Hey, hey." Youngjae said reaching over and wiping a few tears down Mark's face. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, you weren't a coward. You were scared. Fear makes you do things you didn't know you were capable of. And you," he turned on Jinyoung, just as he'd done before, he wiped the man's face clear of tears. Staring into his eyes, making sure the man was paying attention before he spoke. "have no fault in this either. We were all stressed and we all fought with each other. It doesn't matter what happened, because it gave Mark a safe way to release his stress. I know it hurts and I know how much guilt you have, but don't do that to yourself." He looked between both of them. His brown eyes shining with tears of his own, but he didn't care. He just wanted his brothers to live in this moment.