The Hermitcraft Plays

4: no one wants to be a tree

'Alright then... week 4...' Joe trudged over to the now-complete stage, taking a seat where the audience now would be. The hermits there let out what seemed to be a collective groan, though it was too quiet for Joe to be able to properly tell. 'So, TFC's called off sick, so Tango, can you play one of the trees?'

'What?' Tango looked over in utter horror at the idea. 

'Can you play one of the trees?' Joe repeated. 

'I'm not playing a tree!' 

'Come on, Tango it's just one scene!' 

'Why can't Gem play the tree?! She literally looks like one!'

'Because Gem's already playing the Woodland Queen and Villager 2. Just play the tree!'

'I'm not playing a tree!'

'Come on, tree boy!'

'Oh, shut up Zedaph.'

'I can play the tree,' Etho offered excitedly

'You're already playing a tree.'

'Oh.' 

'What about Mumbo?!' Tango offered instead.

'Mumbo's struggling with his one line right now. I don't think he'll survive 2 more.' Grian replied, crossing his arms. 

'I think TFC's skiving.' Decided the adamantly-not-a-tree hermit. 

'He's not. He's ill. Now, talking about trees, I've figured out all of your costumes. Etho, Iskall, you're oak trees. Tango and Hypno spruce and Bdubs, you're a birch tree.'

Grian hid a laugh, while Scar certainly didn't. Bdubs looked over.

'A BIRCH TREE?! WHAT?!' He burst out. 'I'M NOT A BIRCH TREE!'

'Well, you are now. Stress has already made the costumes.'

'Woo!' Etho continued his enthus-tree-asm. 'Where's mine?' 

'With the others. Trees, come on.' Joe, signalled towards where Stress had provided a collection of leafy outfits, with what seemed like tree-coloured onesies and a lot of leaves and random twigs. 

'Uhh... no.' Tango crossed his arms. 'I'm not wearing that.' 

'Well I just told Skizz that you will so...' Impulse tried to hide his laughter at Tango's expression, 

'You're officially my least favourite person like, ever.'

'ANYWAY. Let's- not worry about this. Trees, get on stage.' Joe pointed to the stage, and the group of woody perennial plants shuffled off in a straight line of embarrassment, climbing onto the stage and standing at the back. Impulse tried not to laugh, failing miserably. 

'Anyway. Let's begin.'

'Are you sure we're going the right way?' Renvolio complained as he entered the stage. Behind him, Grian sighed.

'Well, Din Djarin did say this was the right way so...'

'He also got our money stolen.' Replied Pearl. 'You're too trusting for your own good, Grain...'

'It's not like he's working for the enemy. And these are just trees.' Grian signalled towards the hermits playing trees. 

'We are trees. You are not welcome here.' Said the trees, all at different times, in a completely monotone voice. All except Etho, who made it sound like the most eloquent thing he'd said in his entire life. 

'Ok, Din Djarin's just led us to a talking forest. Great...' Sighed Pearl. 

'We are trees. Go away.' Repeated the trees. 

'We should probably leave...' Renvolio warned. 'Before these guys attack...' He looked around nervously at the talking trees.

'Don't worry about them...' Scar scoffed. 'They're very unlikely to kill you. Talking bushes on the other side...' 

'I'M A BOOSH!' Yelled a very excited Keralis, grabbing some leaves and running onstage. 'I'M A BOOSH!'

'OH MY GOODNESS TALKING BUSH!' Ren improvised. 

'RUN!' Pearl turned to run offstage. Grian scanned his script wildly, unsure what to do.

'Uhhh... oh no! It's a talking bush!' Was all he came up with. 'Maybe we run!'

'KERALIS GET OFFSTAGE!' Joe yelled. 

'I'M A BOOSH! I'M A BOOSH! I'M A BOOSH!' Replied Keralis stubbornly. In the background, Tango had begun trying to leave the stage.

'THE TREES ARE MOVING!: Renvolio, somehow still in character, pointed at him. Everyone went silent.

'Uhh... crap... I'm a tree! I will... Uhh... eat you!' 

'KERALIS GET OFF STAGE!' Joe continued to shout, standing up and starting a screaming contest with the boosh. 

'OH MY GOODNESS THE TREES WANT TO EAT US!' Renvolio shrieked, joining in. 

'SCAR WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!' Grian shouted.

'This isn't my fault! I was just saying my lines!'

'Please tell me where in the script it mentions talking bushes!'

'Well- you must've got a different copy of the script then.' Scar crossed his arms, ignoring the chaos around him, including Joe storming over to the stage and literally trying to drag Keralis off it, to little avail. Finally, when diamonds had been promised and Ren had stopped yelling, Keralis was gone, hiding in a corner, still a bush, and sulking. 

The scene continued. 

'Greetings, travellers.' Cub entered the stage. 'What brings you to this part of the woods?'

'Oh! Hi Cub! We're looking for Dr Evil!'

'Who are you, and why should we trust you.'

'I'm Captain Jack.' Cub decided. 'And I've definitely seen you in my travels, Din Djarin...'

'I don't trust you.' Renvolio stepped towards Jack, frowning. 'Pearlie, Grain, let's leave these two untrustworthy idiots here and continue on.' 

'You can trust me. I know these woods better than the back of my hand. If you want to get safely through... I'm your only hope.'

'We are trees! you aren't wel- sorry, continue. I got overexcited.' Etho said, completely missing a line.

'Apart from the talking trees, there isn't anything to worry about, I don't think.' 

'We are trees, you aren't welcome.' Said all the trees, slightly more in sync than before.

'They'll attack if you don't get permission to be here from the Swamp Prince and Woodland Queen. We should head there now.' Cub walked off, and Scar followed. Grian was about to, but Renvolio held him back.

'Don't trust a word he says.' He muttered. 

'If the trees stop hating us once we do this, then I'll trust him. Until then, I say follow.' 

'Grain, you're making a lot of stupid mistakes.' Pearl sighed. 'Renvolio's right. We shouldn't trust Captain Jack or Din Djarin.' 

'Well, they're our only chance of survival...' Grian followed the pair off. Renvolio and Pearlie shared a concerned glance before following offstage. 

'YES! Finally! That went well! That actually went well! Alright then, you lot have a break. Tango, Zedaph, Doc, Xisuma, you've been practicing for your scene haven't...' 

'I'm wearing WHAT?' Came the voice of a very unhappy Jevin. 'I didn't want to do any of this and now I have to wear THAT?' He stormed into view, Stress running behind, trying to make him wear a twig crown, some flowers, and a frog hat, as well as a very muddy top that was long enough to be a dress. From the stage, Hypno burst out laughing. 

'It's the Swamp Princess everyone!'

'Shrek's here!' Scar joined in. 

'Wow... what a cool costume!' Etho gasped, genuinely envious.

'I don't want to wear this. I don't want to do a stupid play. For all intents and purposes, I'm starting a tree-sistance.'